I have never been a great speaker, never been good with enlgish...never been top of the class, but thats okay because it doesn't matter to God how smart you are, does it?
This is what i am seriously trying to drum in my head at the moment, and i thought i had it at the begining of the year, and now i'm back to square one. I feel as though, no matter what i say that it's going to sound so stupid...its always been in the back of my mind, regardless of who i am around. Sometimes, i let my walls down and say anything that comes out, and sometimes i wish i didn't.
I really don't know where this is going, and i am not sure when or if things will change..all i know is to be an effective minister of religion, i think i may have to.
6/14/11
Can't help but feel so lost just now. Today was such a hard day, yet i loved being with my Dad's family, even if it was only for a short time, although it would have been a lot better under different circumstances. Though, if it was just a random visit, there is no way i would have seen everyone.
When we arrived in Greenock on Monday night, we went straight up to my Grandma', (there's something that i can't explain that well about walking up her stairs, and into My Grandma's house, just feels so right, and homely.) but we sat for about 4 hours talking, drinking lots of tea and having far too many biscuits (the usual at my Grandma's), and then had take out when my auntie arrived. I love just sitting listening to them talk, because i always find out so many things about my family i never knew; like this trip revealed i am a lot like my Aunite Elaine in a few ways, and that i'm a proper Davies...and everyone still thinks wee Chloe looks like me (poor kid).
I love walking up my Grandma's stairs to find all my cousins in their usual hang out, i love laughing with them...i love the pictures all over the living room, i love how the first thing my auntie asked me about was my farewell.
I always thought, that because of the distance, and because we hardly ever talk, that My Dad's side of the family just don't care...but its the total opposite, and i just wish we lived a little closer so i could walk up those many stairs, and into that kitchen a lot more.
Its the little things.
Today has been a hard day, and i know that my Uncle Alan would have been looking at all today a few times, and smiling and laughing, for so many reasons. It was such a lovely service.
Praying for strength and protection around the Davies family down in Greenock & Johnstone. Love you all <3
When we arrived in Greenock on Monday night, we went straight up to my Grandma', (there's something that i can't explain that well about walking up her stairs, and into My Grandma's house, just feels so right, and homely.) but we sat for about 4 hours talking, drinking lots of tea and having far too many biscuits (the usual at my Grandma's), and then had take out when my auntie arrived. I love just sitting listening to them talk, because i always find out so many things about my family i never knew; like this trip revealed i am a lot like my Aunite Elaine in a few ways, and that i'm a proper Davies...and everyone still thinks wee Chloe looks like me (poor kid).
I love walking up my Grandma's stairs to find all my cousins in their usual hang out, i love laughing with them...i love the pictures all over the living room, i love how the first thing my auntie asked me about was my farewell.
I always thought, that because of the distance, and because we hardly ever talk, that My Dad's side of the family just don't care...but its the total opposite, and i just wish we lived a little closer so i could walk up those many stairs, and into that kitchen a lot more.
Its the little things.
Today has been a hard day, and i know that my Uncle Alan would have been looking at all today a few times, and smiling and laughing, for so many reasons. It was such a lovely service.
Praying for strength and protection around the Davies family down in Greenock & Johnstone. Love you all <3
6/12/11
(Finally got this blog to work,yay)
Got a lot on my mind, and keep trying to vent things out over many different sites, but the wording never seems quite right..so i shall try here.
Just as i was getting used to my Nan no longer being around, and re-adjusting my weeks routine, i received the news that my Uncle (Dad's younger brother) suddenly passed away on Tuesday morning. Which has been a total shock, and as you can imagine, has been quite hard to accept.
You never would think a mother would have to borrow one of her kids...never mind two, and both her boys, both sudden deaths, no warnings, both heart related. It just shouldn't happen to anyone.
It took me till Friday morning to properly take everything in, i didn't think it could be true. I'm sometimes like a little child and think people are invincible and nothing will ever touch them - how wrong i can be. But Friday was my worst day, work was the hardest 5 hours ever.
My uncle was the only one on my Dad's side of the family who would take the time to really talk to me, about my Dad; even though he would stop when we both got upset...he took the time, and now i have lost that. It may sound selfish, i know.I know i didn't see him that often, but at the end of the day he was my Uncle Alan & i loved him very much.
I will miss him very much, i'll miss how he would talk to me about London and about how he wanted me to get sent to sunny Spain; haha!! I will miss his phone calls and texts, i will miss how he used to help me surprise my Grandma Sadie when i arrived on her doorstep.
Uncle Alan, You may be gone, but you will forever remain in our hearts, always!
You were a true Davies! :) RIP.
Love always, your sweet Niece, Samantha!xxx
Got a lot on my mind, and keep trying to vent things out over many different sites, but the wording never seems quite right..so i shall try here.
Just as i was getting used to my Nan no longer being around, and re-adjusting my weeks routine, i received the news that my Uncle (Dad's younger brother) suddenly passed away on Tuesday morning. Which has been a total shock, and as you can imagine, has been quite hard to accept.
You never would think a mother would have to borrow one of her kids...never mind two, and both her boys, both sudden deaths, no warnings, both heart related. It just shouldn't happen to anyone.
It took me till Friday morning to properly take everything in, i didn't think it could be true. I'm sometimes like a little child and think people are invincible and nothing will ever touch them - how wrong i can be. But Friday was my worst day, work was the hardest 5 hours ever.
My uncle was the only one on my Dad's side of the family who would take the time to really talk to me, about my Dad; even though he would stop when we both got upset...he took the time, and now i have lost that. It may sound selfish, i know.I know i didn't see him that often, but at the end of the day he was my Uncle Alan & i loved him very much.
I will miss him very much, i'll miss how he would talk to me about London and about how he wanted me to get sent to sunny Spain; haha!! I will miss his phone calls and texts, i will miss how he used to help me surprise my Grandma Sadie when i arrived on her doorstep.
Uncle Alan, You may be gone, but you will forever remain in our hearts, always!
You were a true Davies! :) RIP.
Love always, your sweet Niece, Samantha!xxx
10/2/10
freak out, just let it go..
This week marked four years to my Dadad, and i miss him very much.
This past month, was been about trips to see Nan in the hospital - its been finding out that my Nan has cancer of the gullet. This month has been hard.
This month, i have also had a lot of contact from London, regarding my medical and physcological consult, which dates have been made for he 5th October. Which makes me very happy knowing things are happening.
This pst few months has been a lot about time management, with studies to be sent to London, Sermons and meeting prep, work, the youth, this month, has been mega crazy, and next month is not going to be any better.
And to top it all off, i kid myself by telling me that i am okay. I pretend that i'm okay with all of this, when really it kills me inside. I am not the sort of person to just give up on people, but i cannot do anything to sort this out. But then you act all childish, and make everything i hae though about you to be wrong, i just, i don't know what to do. I don' think i can do anything. I just hate it that i am the only one who gives a crap.
This past month, was been about trips to see Nan in the hospital - its been finding out that my Nan has cancer of the gullet. This month has been hard.
This month, i have also had a lot of contact from London, regarding my medical and physcological consult, which dates have been made for he 5th October. Which makes me very happy knowing things are happening.
This pst few months has been a lot about time management, with studies to be sent to London, Sermons and meeting prep, work, the youth, this month, has been mega crazy, and next month is not going to be any better.
And to top it all off, i kid myself by telling me that i am okay. I pretend that i'm okay with all of this, when really it kills me inside. I am not the sort of person to just give up on people, but i cannot do anything to sort this out. But then you act all childish, and make everything i hae though about you to be wrong, i just, i don't know what to do. I don' think i can do anything. I just hate it that i am the only one who gives a crap.
8/10/10
First update in ages, i am really rubbish at this blogging.
Anyways, i have been given these Salvation Story studies to work through, which is fine, i understand why i was given them to do, and i am finding out a good few things i never knew at all before, so it's going to benefit me, i know that.
But they have to be finished and sent to London, sent back to me, etc, before my assessment conference in January. And here's where i have my big issue. Maybe i am lacking faith, motivation, self confidence, i guess i am living iin doubt that it'll be done. But it is a big concern of mine at the minute, especially with my work rota getting changed, i just don't see how everything is going to fit in, i really don't. Maybe i just need a kick up the back side, i don't know.
Another thing, i have these forms to fill out, which is okay, but it asks me for my concerns. Expect my concern is that i cannot, apart form maybe a certain few people, pour my heart out too. I have the tendacy to bottle things up, and not tell anyone, untill the very last point.
My concern is that, my bedroom is fiiled with stuff for me moving to london for next year, and i just cry. The thought scares me more than ever right now.
THat's my concerns.
Anyways, i have been given these Salvation Story studies to work through, which is fine, i understand why i was given them to do, and i am finding out a good few things i never knew at all before, so it's going to benefit me, i know that.
But they have to be finished and sent to London, sent back to me, etc, before my assessment conference in January. And here's where i have my big issue. Maybe i am lacking faith, motivation, self confidence, i guess i am living iin doubt that it'll be done. But it is a big concern of mine at the minute, especially with my work rota getting changed, i just don't see how everything is going to fit in, i really don't. Maybe i just need a kick up the back side, i don't know.
Another thing, i have these forms to fill out, which is okay, but it asks me for my concerns. Expect my concern is that i cannot, apart form maybe a certain few people, pour my heart out too. I have the tendacy to bottle things up, and not tell anyone, untill the very last point.
My concern is that, my bedroom is fiiled with stuff for me moving to london for next year, and i just cry. The thought scares me more than ever right now.
THat's my concerns.
7/14/10
From this moment on, I'll serve you only.
The title of this blog, is in fact the Prayer Warriors sesion dedication song, and has stuck with me, i literally can;t get it out of my head, love it.
From this moment on,
I'll serve you only.
From this moment on,
I'll follow you.
From this moment on,
My life is wholly yours;
From this moment on.
You hold the heavens
Within your hands.
Your love is wider, depper
Than i can understand/
I'm flawed and sinful,
I dirft and stray;
But you called me to come.
So i will trust and obey.
Amazing words, Words that took over my heart, and mind, and i keep singing to myself.
You know, i always knew that i could get appointed anywhere when i get commissioned as a Salvation Army officer, but this year, knowing this are happening for entry to college next year, everythings becoming that little bit more real, and alive.
Like, the fact that it dawned on me that i have no idea where i will be places, is actually really scary, and i know, i need to putall my trust in God, and Believe that he knows best.
During my London holiday with my mum last week, i met a new friend, who is hoping to go to college next year, so she'll hopefully be in my session, and i meet up with friends who are going in this year and the year after me, so i am feeling slighty less nervous by the fact i'll be in college knowing some people to start with.
So, looking at entry to college next year, i need to start studying, which i just sent of a cheque for, so hopefully all that material will arrive pretty soon, because it needs to be finished by January, for my assessment conference. With a medical and Physc consultation at some point too.
It feels like there is so much to do in the next 12 months, and the 12 months doesn't seem enough time. But i am praying that God will equip me, because it is only by his Grace that any of it is possible.
From this moment on,
I'll serve you only.
From this moment on,
I'll follow you.
From this moment on,
My life is wholly yours;
From this moment on.
You hold the heavens
Within your hands.
Your love is wider, depper
Than i can understand/
I'm flawed and sinful,
I dirft and stray;
But you called me to come.
So i will trust and obey.
Amazing words, Words that took over my heart, and mind, and i keep singing to myself.
You know, i always knew that i could get appointed anywhere when i get commissioned as a Salvation Army officer, but this year, knowing this are happening for entry to college next year, everythings becoming that little bit more real, and alive.
Like, the fact that it dawned on me that i have no idea where i will be places, is actually really scary, and i know, i need to putall my trust in God, and Believe that he knows best.
During my London holiday with my mum last week, i met a new friend, who is hoping to go to college next year, so she'll hopefully be in my session, and i meet up with friends who are going in this year and the year after me, so i am feeling slighty less nervous by the fact i'll be in college knowing some people to start with.
So, looking at entry to college next year, i need to start studying, which i just sent of a cheque for, so hopefully all that material will arrive pretty soon, because it needs to be finished by January, for my assessment conference. With a medical and Physc consultation at some point too.
It feels like there is so much to do in the next 12 months, and the 12 months doesn't seem enough time. But i am praying that God will equip me, because it is only by his Grace that any of it is possible.
4/21/10
...there's never been a mountain that the lord could not move...
Okay, so i last updated this in january, how rubbish am i?
After that last update, i met with my Candidate officer (Christine Comley) and Officers, Matthew and Debbie, and had an interview sort of meeting. This was on the 14th January. Lots was discussed that night. We talked about my visit to london last october, what i thought, what was my favourite part of the work the army does that i saw in London. We talked about work, family, friends, Driven, the army, my calling, anything and everything. Then, the meeting ended with 'We're not putting you forward for entry to College this year', i was in tears. This wasn't really new news to me, i'd not from december maybe even november, but i hid all these feelings away. I didn't want to say anything that may have been taken the wrong way, so when i heard Christine say that, honestly, i knew that it was God, and not my own fears and doubt.
For about the next few days, i was very emmotional, for weeks my sleep pattern was all over the place, going to bed at 2 and waking up at 7. Was rubbish. no one in my corps really knew apart from the Pastoral Care Council, and a few of the youth. It has taken a while to get used to. If i did get put forward for this year, it would hae been a bad idea, i'm not ready and i know that, it's just the fact that for the last 3 years, i've mentally prepared myself for he arrival of this year, and to not be going, takes a few readjustments,so i appologise now for the emotional roller coaster that i may be on at times.
Inbetween all this happening on the candidate front, i've found a few things hard. Like, self worth and the fact that i sometimes feel like i don't fit in. I keep going over the one big question: God why me? What do i have to offer?. I'm not the smartest person you'll meet in life, far from it actually, i have no idea what to say that will be of any help to my friends, or family members so the thought of role play playing any part in an assessment confrence scares me. I feel totally useless, as a friend, youth leader, daughter, sister.
I'm just finding things a little hard at the minute.
After that last update, i met with my Candidate officer (Christine Comley) and Officers, Matthew and Debbie, and had an interview sort of meeting. This was on the 14th January. Lots was discussed that night. We talked about my visit to london last october, what i thought, what was my favourite part of the work the army does that i saw in London. We talked about work, family, friends, Driven, the army, my calling, anything and everything. Then, the meeting ended with 'We're not putting you forward for entry to College this year', i was in tears. This wasn't really new news to me, i'd not from december maybe even november, but i hid all these feelings away. I didn't want to say anything that may have been taken the wrong way, so when i heard Christine say that, honestly, i knew that it was God, and not my own fears and doubt.
For about the next few days, i was very emmotional, for weeks my sleep pattern was all over the place, going to bed at 2 and waking up at 7. Was rubbish. no one in my corps really knew apart from the Pastoral Care Council, and a few of the youth. It has taken a while to get used to. If i did get put forward for this year, it would hae been a bad idea, i'm not ready and i know that, it's just the fact that for the last 3 years, i've mentally prepared myself for he arrival of this year, and to not be going, takes a few readjustments,so i appologise now for the emotional roller coaster that i may be on at times.
Inbetween all this happening on the candidate front, i've found a few things hard. Like, self worth and the fact that i sometimes feel like i don't fit in. I keep going over the one big question: God why me? What do i have to offer?. I'm not the smartest person you'll meet in life, far from it actually, i have no idea what to say that will be of any help to my friends, or family members so the thought of role play playing any part in an assessment confrence scares me. I feel totally useless, as a friend, youth leader, daughter, sister.
I'm just finding things a little hard at the minute.
1/7/10
hopes and dreams for 2010.
2010, is here. well nearly 8 days into it.
I was wishing the last few hours of 2009 would drag out a little, because whilst i wanted a new year, i was scared of it too. The thought, that in 8 months, i could be heading to London, to the William Booth training college to become a cadet. None of this is official right now, like i have no idea where or whats going to be happening - that scares me more than not knowing. But i have a meeting next thursday, so maybe that'll be the confirmation that i need.
My hopes and dreams for 2010:
- Save money, for London, for adventures to see my family down in Greenock, for a Holiday with my mum.
- To start learning to Drive & take my theory test.
- To be more active. I've always wanted to go to the gym, maybe this year i will.
- To grow into the person God has intended me to be & to faithfully follow his plans for my life.
I was wishing the last few hours of 2009 would drag out a little, because whilst i wanted a new year, i was scared of it too. The thought, that in 8 months, i could be heading to London, to the William Booth training college to become a cadet. None of this is official right now, like i have no idea where or whats going to be happening - that scares me more than not knowing. But i have a meeting next thursday, so maybe that'll be the confirmation that i need.
My hopes and dreams for 2010:
- Save money, for London, for adventures to see my family down in Greenock, for a Holiday with my mum.
- To start learning to Drive & take my theory test.
- To be more active. I've always wanted to go to the gym, maybe this year i will.
- To grow into the person God has intended me to be & to faithfully follow his plans for my life.
12/5/09
Advent-agous!
I'm nervous. I'm nearly in tears with nerves.
Crazy stuff.
This is my prayer for tomorrow, for me and for every person in Peterhead Salvation Army Hall.
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything
♥
I hope and pray, that with what i have prepared, God lvoe will be shown. That we will all know, including me that this advent season is about so much more than presents and shopping, that there was a precious baby born, a gift to us all. That we will accept him into our hearts and lives today!
"Christ in me, the hope of Glory. Be my are Everything!" ♥
Crazy stuff.
This is my prayer for tomorrow, for me and for every person in Peterhead Salvation Army Hall.
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything
♥
I hope and pray, that with what i have prepared, God lvoe will be shown. That we will all know, including me that this advent season is about so much more than presents and shopping, that there was a precious baby born, a gift to us all. That we will accept him into our hearts and lives today!
"Christ in me, the hope of Glory. Be my are Everything!" ♥
11/10/09
once again i said my goodbyes
to those i love most
my heart feels that familiar pain
as i long for hope
cause this road is hard
when i feel so far
And God i'm crying out tonight
cause i've givin you my life
but im tired and im missing whats behind
so once more heres my life
on the day that you called my name
all that i knew changed
I found when i said yes
that i would never be the same
though the call is hard
you are worth it all
and God Im crying out tonight
cause ive givin you my life
but im tired and im missing whats behind
so once more....
even when the tears are falling
when i find i fear the calling you
remind me, (yeah)
words you've spoken over my life
promises i've yet to see
you comfort me. (yeah yeah)
BarlowGirl - Heres my life ♥
These last few weeks, have been really weird, they've brought so many tears, and in between some smiles. I feel like i've been on a 3 week rollercoaster and unable to get off.
The song by BarlowGirl above, i can relate to it in so many ways. Not so much fear, as i can't do this, more like i feel i need to know certain things before i can move on in life, things about my Dad. I personally, feel like if i knew more about him, things would be a little easier. Maybe not, but i feel i need to know some things. It's just tricky trying to work out who to ask, when to ask, and how to ask. It's not like all this happened yesterday, we're talking 17 years ago.
On a more possitive note, i feel work in Something Special, is going really well. I'm really enjoying it and the girls are just lovely. Although, i do really miss Crossroads. I feel that all the things i need to do for officership are starting to come into being. And that makes me happy.
to those i love most
my heart feels that familiar pain
as i long for hope
cause this road is hard
when i feel so far
And God i'm crying out tonight
cause i've givin you my life
but im tired and im missing whats behind
so once more heres my life
on the day that you called my name
all that i knew changed
I found when i said yes
that i would never be the same
though the call is hard
you are worth it all
and God Im crying out tonight
cause ive givin you my life
but im tired and im missing whats behind
so once more....
even when the tears are falling
when i find i fear the calling you
remind me, (yeah)
words you've spoken over my life
promises i've yet to see
you comfort me. (yeah yeah)
BarlowGirl - Heres my life ♥
These last few weeks, have been really weird, they've brought so many tears, and in between some smiles. I feel like i've been on a 3 week rollercoaster and unable to get off.
The song by BarlowGirl above, i can relate to it in so many ways. Not so much fear, as i can't do this, more like i feel i need to know certain things before i can move on in life, things about my Dad. I personally, feel like if i knew more about him, things would be a little easier. Maybe not, but i feel i need to know some things. It's just tricky trying to work out who to ask, when to ask, and how to ask. It's not like all this happened yesterday, we're talking 17 years ago.
On a more possitive note, i feel work in Something Special, is going really well. I'm really enjoying it and the girls are just lovely. Although, i do really miss Crossroads. I feel that all the things i need to do for officership are starting to come into being. And that makes me happy.
10/15/09
be a hero.
I'm feeling rather overwhelmed at the minute. Overwhelmed by everything i have to do in the space of the next 10 months, if that. Studies, Assingments for my folder, sermons, meetings, reading (whihc shouldn't be such an issue, but yeah), home leagues, over sixties, interviews, meetings with matthew and debbie, assessment confrences, not to mention Driven, sunday school, Work, and a social life in it all. It just seems like so much in too little time.
It scares me & makes me happy.
Prayers needed though. Thanks guys.
It scares me & makes me happy.
Prayers needed though. Thanks guys.
10/8/09
I have just had one of thee most amazing weeks ever. Meet some amazing people, realized i don't have to be scared of some people, haha. This week has taught me so much, i've meet some awesome people who use the salvation armys community programmes around London, i've had so many experiences, it's been so good.
I miss london now though. I miss the Candidate Unit, and everyone in the unit, amazing people.
I was sitting at the welcome weekend waiting for the meetings to start on Saturday night, and on sunday, and everyone i talked to, when i explained what i was doing there, they all said "This will be a good confirmation of your calling then. Have a good week!"....i kept thinking, having had a really good week, that God haven't to my knowledge confirmed officership to me, though i sppok to soon. The band then played "In Christ alone" and "Dear Lord i do surrender", two of which are my songs about officership and speek volumes to me. Amazing stuff.
I alos have discovered through conversations with Linda, that Gods timing and how he works is truely amazing. No other officer, well actually, no one apart from my mum i think knows what i told Lina, Mark & Amanda...and to be told by Linda that she wanted to do certain things but couldn't for various reasons....But, through her officership, she's done them, God has let it all happen. It's gave me much more hope, but also made me think thigns over and decided to place it all in Gods hands.
I had a busy week, going to different corps programmes; from croydons baby song, to selling papers in Beckenham, to Kids clubs, to Prayers at the college, to helping in the hall at penge to the welcome weekend, the college JAM club to parent & toddlers ar penge....it's been amazing. But theres one day that really sticks out to me, that is Monday. On monday, i went to prayers at the college with Amanda, then back to the Candidate unit from half 9 - half 2. During these hours, i reflected. I filled in the reflection forms i got by Linda, and then was given two assessments to fill in, which took a while.
>After Lunch, at half 1, i meet with Mark. We sat and chated about everything, about the passion assessment i just filled in, about why i think i'm ready for next year, what more experience i felt i needed, and about a few other things. We also discused doing some studies before then, so i've got to think about that now.
Mark & Linda, have been amazing, for taking the time out to sit and chat with me, for taking me round London and listening, for praying for me, and for the last few things they said...
Linda said i did really well this week, and said to keep in touch and i could email her when i needed to chat, and Mark told me to email him if i ever need him.
I may not know exactly whats going to happen next year. But whatever it is, God is in full control, and i know that if i do go to college next year, it will be an amazing experience.
I miss london now though. I miss the Candidate Unit, and everyone in the unit, amazing people.
I was sitting at the welcome weekend waiting for the meetings to start on Saturday night, and on sunday, and everyone i talked to, when i explained what i was doing there, they all said "This will be a good confirmation of your calling then. Have a good week!"....i kept thinking, having had a really good week, that God haven't to my knowledge confirmed officership to me, though i sppok to soon. The band then played "In Christ alone" and "Dear Lord i do surrender", two of which are my songs about officership and speek volumes to me. Amazing stuff.
I alos have discovered through conversations with Linda, that Gods timing and how he works is truely amazing. No other officer, well actually, no one apart from my mum i think knows what i told Lina, Mark & Amanda...and to be told by Linda that she wanted to do certain things but couldn't for various reasons....But, through her officership, she's done them, God has let it all happen. It's gave me much more hope, but also made me think thigns over and decided to place it all in Gods hands.
I had a busy week, going to different corps programmes; from croydons baby song, to selling papers in Beckenham, to Kids clubs, to Prayers at the college, to helping in the hall at penge to the welcome weekend, the college JAM club to parent & toddlers ar penge....it's been amazing. But theres one day that really sticks out to me, that is Monday. On monday, i went to prayers at the college with Amanda, then back to the Candidate unit from half 9 - half 2. During these hours, i reflected. I filled in the reflection forms i got by Linda, and then was given two assessments to fill in, which took a while.
>After Lunch, at half 1, i meet with Mark. We sat and chated about everything, about the passion assessment i just filled in, about why i think i'm ready for next year, what more experience i felt i needed, and about a few other things. We also discused doing some studies before then, so i've got to think about that now.
Mark & Linda, have been amazing, for taking the time out to sit and chat with me, for taking me round London and listening, for praying for me, and for the last few things they said...
Linda said i did really well this week, and said to keep in touch and i could email her when i needed to chat, and Mark told me to email him if i ever need him.
I may not know exactly whats going to happen next year. But whatever it is, God is in full control, and i know that if i do go to college next year, it will be an amazing experience.
9/10/09
Family...=)
The suprise trip i've been planning for months, to go see my nan was today. My cousin James meet me at Greenock Central Station, and we then went up to my Grandma's, where i managed to get in the back door, through the kitchen and hid at the front door, but she must have saw me, that or James looked at me, can't really remember. Anyhow, it was really nice...We talked for two whole hours, i don't think i've ever had that kind of conversation with her, especially one where i mentioned my Dad, and where we talked about my Grandad (Her husband, died 6 years ago), i just, i needed that, i needed a chat with someone that close to my Dad, someone who really knew him, apart from my mum.
It was only a short visit, but it was well worth it.
I love my Grandma Sadie, so so so much ♥
I loved being in Greenock again.
I loved hearing storied from my Gran.
I loved goofing around with my cousin James.
I loved suprising my Grandma.
I love the fact she still has pictures of us all in her living room from when we were wee, and they never get moved.
I love seeing things that connect me with my Dad, apart from my family.
I love Greenock, because it's where my mum & dad meet ♥
I loved sitting in my Grandma's kitchen remembering that i squirted her newly washed windows with a water pistol.
I loved thinking back to our october holidays there and spending time with my cousins :)
I love my family. They are the bestest. ♥xxx
It was only a short visit, but it was well worth it.
I love my Grandma Sadie, so so so much ♥
I loved being in Greenock again.
I loved hearing storied from my Gran.
I loved goofing around with my cousin James.
I loved suprising my Grandma.
I love the fact she still has pictures of us all in her living room from when we were wee, and they never get moved.
I love seeing things that connect me with my Dad, apart from my family.
I love Greenock, because it's where my mum & dad meet ♥
I loved sitting in my Grandma's kitchen remembering that i squirted her newly washed windows with a water pistol.
I loved thinking back to our october holidays there and spending time with my cousins :)
I love my family. They are the bestest. ♥xxx
8/30/09
My Saturday..
Yesterday was my second fund raiser for training college. I held a soup and sweet at the army hall, 12 - 2pm. It was very well attended, and had an awesome total of £630...Praise God! I'm so grateful for everyones support, for again showing me the support that's around me, that is one thing that continues to amaze me, and bring me to tears. I love all you guys ♥
After my soup & sweet, a few of the young ones who helped earlier on went for coffee and a walk round town - that was really good too, glad i got to spend that time with them! :)
Then this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqNgsnsMnsI&feature=related
Grace and I, were meant to be going into Aberdeen last night to the cinema to see the above film. We decided friday night that to do it some other time, but when i was down town with the young ones, we decided to just go. I'm actually really glad we did go, i really like spending time with her, we don't do it that often.
But this film, is actually amazing! I wasn't expecting it to be that great actually, i was only going cause Grace wanted too. But, that film, the idea of time travelling, it made me happy and sad, all at the same time. Because then, i'm not the only person who's thought about it. How much times i've wanted to go back in time, to just spend that little time with certain people, like Dad for one, Grampa Bill, Dadad...but so much more Dad.
I like films like these, because for that hour or so, you believe...i just never knew i'd relate so much to the film. I was in tears.
After my soup & sweet, a few of the young ones who helped earlier on went for coffee and a walk round town - that was really good too, glad i got to spend that time with them! :)
Then this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqNgsnsMnsI&feature=related
Grace and I, were meant to be going into Aberdeen last night to the cinema to see the above film. We decided friday night that to do it some other time, but when i was down town with the young ones, we decided to just go. I'm actually really glad we did go, i really like spending time with her, we don't do it that often.
But this film, is actually amazing! I wasn't expecting it to be that great actually, i was only going cause Grace wanted too. But, that film, the idea of time travelling, it made me happy and sad, all at the same time. Because then, i'm not the only person who's thought about it. How much times i've wanted to go back in time, to just spend that little time with certain people, like Dad for one, Grampa Bill, Dadad...but so much more Dad.
I like films like these, because for that hour or so, you believe...i just never knew i'd relate so much to the film. I was in tears.
8/21/09
Today...
Work. One hour. Nuts.
Can't wait till tomorrow when i actually work for more than one hour, roll on kids club :) It makes me happy!
I sent an email about another Job with Cornerstone today, my mum's cousin works for them, and i had a look on their website, looks good. Just have to wait and see what happens from now.
I keep trying to figure this all out in my head. I keep connecting the pieces together, everything i thought after my interview with Crossroads last year....'Africa - working alongside children with dissavilities, music at college, my plans to do music therapy sometime along the line in dissabled school'...it all linked together, and i thought at the time, it was the right Job for me. Most people i talk to just now seem to think Crossroads have mucked me around,that i've had the experience, but in all fairness to them, from the start till now, they never said they could promise me hours. I jsut thought i'd have more by now.
Anyhoo, on a brighter note. I keep thinking back to the Summer Holiday Clubs, so i've downloaded some the songs from teenage club = Happy times =)
La Roux - In for the kill
Pixie Lot - Mama Do
The Veronicas - Untouchable
Jason Mraz - I'm yours
James Morrison - Broken strings
Alesha Dixon - Breathe Slow
♥
I love the Crossroads teenage & Kids club =)
Work. One hour. Nuts.
Can't wait till tomorrow when i actually work for more than one hour, roll on kids club :) It makes me happy!
I sent an email about another Job with Cornerstone today, my mum's cousin works for them, and i had a look on their website, looks good. Just have to wait and see what happens from now.
I keep trying to figure this all out in my head. I keep connecting the pieces together, everything i thought after my interview with Crossroads last year....'Africa - working alongside children with dissavilities, music at college, my plans to do music therapy sometime along the line in dissabled school'...it all linked together, and i thought at the time, it was the right Job for me. Most people i talk to just now seem to think Crossroads have mucked me around,that i've had the experience, but in all fairness to them, from the start till now, they never said they could promise me hours. I jsut thought i'd have more by now.
Anyhoo, on a brighter note. I keep thinking back to the Summer Holiday Clubs, so i've downloaded some the songs from teenage club = Happy times =)
La Roux - In for the kill
Pixie Lot - Mama Do
The Veronicas - Untouchable
Jason Mraz - I'm yours
James Morrison - Broken strings
Alesha Dixon - Breathe Slow
♥
I love the Crossroads teenage & Kids club =)
8/19/09
argghhhh!
Is full of the cold and all i wanted to do till 3 was sleep. But with Crossraods (my work) calling me time after time, that didn't quite happen.
The first few calls were okay, well, not really affecting my own work hours, however i lady i used to cover for when maggie (another crossraods carer) was off, well she's in hospital, not good. Then came the last phone call, and you won't know how glad i am that it's past 3pm - least my boss can't call me till 9am tomorrow. Basically, i'm not going back to a certain lady that i used to go to from 4 -5. I don't know why, i keep wondering if i have done something wrong, if the lady secretley wasn't pleased with me, maybe i now talk way top much, i just don't get it, there's no way her usual carer is back, as she only had her baby last month, and i can't see maggie getting her, as her mum's undergoing treatment for cancer, so i have no idea what's happenening.
My boss asked the hours i have now....7 a week, and kids club every 2nd saturday. Not enough. He said he'll keep me in mind for anything else that comes up, which reassures me that maybe i am doing okay?
But honestly, 7 hours a week, and kids club every 2nd saturday, is not going to be enough to save for London next year, or for Canada, or much else to be honest. I know i said i didn't want to leave Crossroads, because i do really love the kids club, and the hours i do have, but i think i may have to. I have looked for jobs but there is none going at the minute.
Rant over.
The first few calls were okay, well, not really affecting my own work hours, however i lady i used to cover for when maggie (another crossraods carer) was off, well she's in hospital, not good. Then came the last phone call, and you won't know how glad i am that it's past 3pm - least my boss can't call me till 9am tomorrow. Basically, i'm not going back to a certain lady that i used to go to from 4 -5. I don't know why, i keep wondering if i have done something wrong, if the lady secretley wasn't pleased with me, maybe i now talk way top much, i just don't get it, there's no way her usual carer is back, as she only had her baby last month, and i can't see maggie getting her, as her mum's undergoing treatment for cancer, so i have no idea what's happenening.
My boss asked the hours i have now....7 a week, and kids club every 2nd saturday. Not enough. He said he'll keep me in mind for anything else that comes up, which reassures me that maybe i am doing okay?
But honestly, 7 hours a week, and kids club every 2nd saturday, is not going to be enough to save for London next year, or for Canada, or much else to be honest. I know i said i didn't want to leave Crossroads, because i do really love the kids club, and the hours i do have, but i think i may have to. I have looked for jobs but there is none going at the minute.
Rant over.
7/31/09
Plymouth =)
It's been nearly a year since i saw Kelston, and about 4 months since i'd seen Cindy, but even then that was only really the weekend. So on the 24th of July, i set off to Plymouth for the week, which i think was timed just right.
I arrived at Exeter airoport just before 9, and was picked up by Kelston, so we got to have a nice wee chat, and update him on things!
I think during the week, for me at the minute, it was nice just to spend the time with them, even if some times i didn't talk that much, it was just nice to be in their company once again. To go for walks, to go to the cinema, to walk along the beach, to meet their young people (Who are a really nice lively bunch!), to just sitting in their house...i've really enjoyed it
I tunred into a right chicken today, or maybe the whole week. There's been so much stuff i've tried to say, but i could never find the right words. So today, i ended up writing a little note for Keslton, which Cindy has, sahll we say hidden very well, and is going to give it to him tomorrow!
But it has been a rather good week, so glad they let me visit :)
Good times!
I arrived at Exeter airoport just before 9, and was picked up by Kelston, so we got to have a nice wee chat, and update him on things!
I think during the week, for me at the minute, it was nice just to spend the time with them, even if some times i didn't talk that much, it was just nice to be in their company once again. To go for walks, to go to the cinema, to walk along the beach, to meet their young people (Who are a really nice lively bunch!), to just sitting in their house...i've really enjoyed it
I tunred into a right chicken today, or maybe the whole week. There's been so much stuff i've tried to say, but i could never find the right words. So today, i ended up writing a little note for Keslton, which Cindy has, sahll we say hidden very well, and is going to give it to him tomorrow!
But it has been a rather good week, so glad they let me visit :)
Good times!
7/15/09
Best Friends..
I have talked with a client a lot recentley about how her friend Sheila is always there, comes round every monday night without fail, no mattwer rain or snow...this little thing got me thinking.
Thinking about what Catherine said when she visited me the other week, that officership can be lonely, that the friends you have back at home, you wont see that much, the only good friends you'll have around you are officers.
This thought for some reason is starting to worry me. I love my friends to pieces, and have such amazing times with them, and i like the fact that when they come home, we all meet up, the fact i can go and visit them when i can, and the thought of not getting to do that, not having those friends around me, is honestly really starting to scare me. I don't know how i'll cope.
I know it's a sacrifice, and that God's called me,so God'll look after me, but, i just can't seem to get my head around it.
I don't want to leave them all.
That's going to be the hardest thing for me.
I love you guys! ♥xox
Thinking about what Catherine said when she visited me the other week, that officership can be lonely, that the friends you have back at home, you wont see that much, the only good friends you'll have around you are officers.
This thought for some reason is starting to worry me. I love my friends to pieces, and have such amazing times with them, and i like the fact that when they come home, we all meet up, the fact i can go and visit them when i can, and the thought of not getting to do that, not having those friends around me, is honestly really starting to scare me. I don't know how i'll cope.
I know it's a sacrifice, and that God's called me,so God'll look after me, but, i just can't seem to get my head around it.
I don't want to leave them all.
That's going to be the hardest thing for me.
I love you guys! ♥xox
6/17/09
i miss you!
I know i'll never get over it, that would never happen. But i feel like a little 4 year old, that little 4 year old, replaying those moments of the 2nd November 1992 in my head, and it's forever printed in my memory...like a photograph...i can remember everything.
Sometimes i wish i just stayed upstairs, and never saw him, i thought not seeing him would make it easier.
Theres just things that you just think 'he should be here', like, for Grace and my graduation, grace's wedding, little leighton arriving, me and training college...he should be here for all this. I turned 21 a month ago, he should've been here for that.
Yeah, i'm used to him not being here, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I wish one of my earliest memories wasn't that day, i just wish he was here.
I just miss him so much :(
Sometimes i wish i just stayed upstairs, and never saw him, i thought not seeing him would make it easier.
Theres just things that you just think 'he should be here', like, for Grace and my graduation, grace's wedding, little leighton arriving, me and training college...he should be here for all this. I turned 21 a month ago, he should've been here for that.
Yeah, i'm used to him not being here, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I wish one of my earliest memories wasn't that day, i just wish he was here.
I just miss him so much :(
5/25/09
...
I finally managed my interview with Aberdeenshire council, just waiting to hear if i've been successful. I'm really hoping i do though. I always said i'd never leave crossroads if i got another Job, people told me to wait and see as it may not be possible to keep it on.
Now, i love working for Crossroads. I love that i get to work with people, to help people, to be here for people, to just be someone to yap to for an hour...but there's one client in the morning, it's more so the person i work with, that fro the last few weeks things have gotten really uncomfortable for me to be there. I'm not sure if it shows, but i certainly feel less confident walking in that house each morning. The thing, the person i work with is really friendly with the kids mum, so if i said anything, i'd be worried i may loose my 5 hours there, and i need the money, but the kid is also very lovely. I just don't know what to do.
On another note - Candidate interview next monday night, which is starting to scare me a little. Who knows if i know that we're going to be touching the topic of entry years, and with me and my heart and head setteled on going next year...i don't know what they'll say.
Now, i love working for Crossroads. I love that i get to work with people, to help people, to be here for people, to just be someone to yap to for an hour...but there's one client in the morning, it's more so the person i work with, that fro the last few weeks things have gotten really uncomfortable for me to be there. I'm not sure if it shows, but i certainly feel less confident walking in that house each morning. The thing, the person i work with is really friendly with the kids mum, so if i said anything, i'd be worried i may loose my 5 hours there, and i need the money, but the kid is also very lovely. I just don't know what to do.
On another note - Candidate interview next monday night, which is starting to scare me a little. Who knows if i know that we're going to be touching the topic of entry years, and with me and my heart and head setteled on going next year...i don't know what they'll say.
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