Advent-agous!

I'm nervous. I'm nearly in tears with nerves.
Crazy stuff.

This is my prayer for tomorrow, for me and for every person in Peterhead Salvation Army Hall.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything
♥


I hope and pray, that with what i have prepared, God lvoe will be shown. That we will all know, including me that this advent season is about so much more than presents and shopping, that there was a precious baby born, a gift to us all. That we will accept him into our hearts and lives today!

"Christ in me, the hope of Glory. Be my are Everything!" ♥

once again i said my goodbyes
to those i love most
my heart feels that familiar pain
as i long for hope
cause this road is hard
when i feel so far

And God i'm crying out tonight
cause i've givin you my life
but im tired and im missing whats behind
so once more heres my life

on the day that you called my name
all that i knew changed
I found when i said yes
that i would never be the same
though the call is hard
you are worth it all

and God Im crying out tonight
cause ive givin you my life
but im tired and im missing whats behind
so once more....

even when the tears are falling
when i find i fear the calling you
remind me, (yeah)
words you've spoken over my life
promises i've yet to see
you comfort me. (yeah yeah)
BarlowGirl - Heres my life ♥

These last few weeks, have been really weird, they've brought so many tears, and in between some smiles. I feel like i've been on a 3 week rollercoaster and unable to get off.

The song by BarlowGirl above, i can relate to it in so many ways. Not so much fear, as i can't do this, more like i feel i need to know certain things before i can move on in life, things about my Dad. I personally, feel like if i knew more about him, things would be a little easier. Maybe not, but i feel i need to know some things. It's just tricky trying to work out who to ask, when to ask, and how to ask. It's not like all this happened yesterday, we're talking 17 years ago.

On a more possitive note, i feel work in Something Special, is going really well. I'm really enjoying it and the girls are just lovely. Although, i do really miss Crossroads. I feel that all the things i need to do for officership are starting to come into being. And that makes me happy.

be a hero.

I'm feeling rather overwhelmed at the minute. Overwhelmed by everything i have to do in the space of the next 10 months, if that. Studies, Assingments for my folder, sermons, meetings, reading (whihc shouldn't be such an issue, but yeah), home leagues, over sixties, interviews, meetings with matthew and debbie, assessment confrences, not to mention Driven, sunday school, Work, and a social life in it all. It just seems like so much in too little time.

It scares me & makes me happy.
Prayers needed though. Thanks guys.

I have just had one of thee most amazing weeks ever. Meet some amazing people, realized i don't have to be scared of some people, haha. This week has taught me so much, i've meet some awesome people who use the salvation armys community programmes around London, i've had so many experiences, it's been so good.

I miss london now though. I miss the Candidate Unit, and everyone in the unit, amazing people.

I was sitting at the welcome weekend waiting for the meetings to start on Saturday night, and on sunday, and everyone i talked to, when i explained what i was doing there, they all said "This will be a good confirmation of your calling then. Have a good week!"....i kept thinking, having had a really good week, that God haven't to my knowledge confirmed officership to me, though i sppok to soon. The band then played "In Christ alone" and "Dear Lord i do surrender", two of which are my songs about officership and speek volumes to me. Amazing stuff.

I alos have discovered through conversations with Linda, that Gods timing and how he works is truely amazing. No other officer, well actually, no one apart from my mum i think knows what i told Lina, Mark & Amanda...and to be told by Linda that she wanted to do certain things but couldn't for various reasons....But, through her officership, she's done them, God has let it all happen. It's gave me much more hope, but also made me think thigns over and decided to place it all in Gods hands.

I had a busy week, going to different corps programmes; from croydons baby song, to selling papers in Beckenham, to Kids clubs, to Prayers at the college, to helping in the hall at penge to the welcome weekend, the college JAM club to parent & toddlers ar penge....it's been amazing. But theres one day that really sticks out to me, that is Monday. On monday, i went to prayers at the college with Amanda, then back to the Candidate unit from half 9 - half 2. During these hours, i reflected. I filled in the reflection forms i got by Linda, and then was given two assessments to fill in, which took a while.

>After Lunch, at half 1, i meet with Mark. We sat and chated about everything, about the passion assessment i just filled in, about why i think i'm ready for next year, what more experience i felt i needed, and about a few other things. We also discused doing some studies before then, so i've got to think about that now.

Mark & Linda, have been amazing, for taking the time out to sit and chat with me, for taking me round London and listening, for praying for me, and for the last few things they said...

Linda said i did really well this week, and said to keep in touch and i could email her when i needed to chat, and Mark told me to email him if i ever need him.

I may not know exactly whats going to happen next year. But whatever it is, God is in full control, and i know that if i do go to college next year, it will be an amazing experience.

Family...=)

The suprise trip i've been planning for months, to go see my nan was today. My cousin James meet me at Greenock Central Station, and we then went up to my Grandma's, where i managed to get in the back door, through the kitchen and hid at the front door, but she must have saw me, that or James looked at me, can't really remember. Anyhow, it was really nice...We talked for two whole hours, i don't think i've ever had that kind of conversation with her, especially one where i mentioned my Dad, and where we talked about my Grandad (Her husband, died 6 years ago), i just, i needed that, i needed a chat with someone that close to my Dad, someone who really knew him, apart from my mum.

It was only a short visit, but it was well worth it.

I love my Grandma Sadie, so so so much ♥
I loved being in Greenock again.
I loved hearing storied from my Gran.
I loved goofing around with my cousin James.
I loved suprising my Grandma.
I love the fact she still has pictures of us all in her living room from when we were wee, and they never get moved.
I love seeing things that connect me with my Dad, apart from my family.
I love Greenock, because it's where my mum & dad meet ♥
I loved sitting in my Grandma's kitchen remembering that i squirted her newly washed windows with a water pistol.
I loved thinking back to our october holidays there and spending time with my cousins :)

I love my family. They are the bestest. ♥xxx

My Saturday..

Yesterday was my second fund raiser for training college. I held a soup and sweet at the army hall, 12 - 2pm. It was very well attended, and had an awesome total of £630...Praise God! I'm so grateful for everyones support, for again showing me the support that's around me, that is one thing that continues to amaze me, and bring me to tears. I love all you guys ♥

After my soup & sweet, a few of the young ones who helped earlier on went for coffee and a walk round town - that was really good too, glad i got to spend that time with them! :)

Then this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqNgsnsMnsI&feature=related

Grace and I, were meant to be going into Aberdeen last night to the cinema to see the above film. We decided friday night that to do it some other time, but when i was down town with the young ones, we decided to just go. I'm actually really glad we did go, i really like spending time with her, we don't do it that often.

But this film, is actually amazing! I wasn't expecting it to be that great actually, i was only going cause Grace wanted too. But, that film, the idea of time travelling, it made me happy and sad, all at the same time. Because then, i'm not the only person who's thought about it. How much times i've wanted to go back in time, to just spend that little time with certain people, like Dad for one, Grampa Bill, Dadad...but so much more Dad.

I like films like these, because for that hour or so, you believe...i just never knew i'd relate so much to the film. I was in tears.

Today...

Work. One hour. Nuts.
Can't wait till tomorrow when i actually work for more than one hour, roll on kids club :) It makes me happy!

I sent an email about another Job with Cornerstone today, my mum's cousin works for them, and i had a look on their website, looks good. Just have to wait and see what happens from now.

I keep trying to figure this all out in my head. I keep connecting the pieces together, everything i thought after my interview with Crossroads last year....'Africa - working alongside children with dissavilities, music at college, my plans to do music therapy sometime along the line in dissabled school'...it all linked together, and i thought at the time, it was the right Job for me. Most people i talk to just now seem to think Crossroads have mucked me around,that i've had the experience, but in all fairness to them, from the start till now, they never said they could promise me hours. I jsut thought i'd have more by now.


Anyhoo, on a brighter note. I keep thinking back to the Summer Holiday Clubs, so i've downloaded some the songs from teenage club = Happy times =)

La Roux - In for the kill
Pixie Lot - Mama Do
The Veronicas - Untouchable
Jason Mraz - I'm yours
James Morrison - Broken strings
Alesha Dixon - Breathe Slow
♥

I love the Crossroads teenage & Kids club =)

argghhhh!

Is full of the cold and all i wanted to do till 3 was sleep. But with Crossraods (my work) calling me time after time, that didn't quite happen.

The first few calls were okay, well, not really affecting my own work hours, however i lady i used to cover for when maggie (another crossraods carer) was off, well she's in hospital, not good. Then came the last phone call, and you won't know how glad i am that it's past 3pm - least my boss can't call me till 9am tomorrow. Basically, i'm not going back to a certain lady that i used to go to from 4 -5. I don't know why, i keep wondering if i have done something wrong, if the lady secretley wasn't pleased with me, maybe i now talk way top much, i just don't get it, there's no way her usual carer is back, as she only had her baby last month, and i can't see maggie getting her, as her mum's undergoing treatment for cancer, so i have no idea what's happenening.

My boss asked the hours i have now....7 a week, and kids club every 2nd saturday. Not enough. He said he'll keep me in mind for anything else that comes up, which reassures me that maybe i am doing okay?

But honestly, 7 hours a week, and kids club every 2nd saturday, is not going to be enough to save for London next year, or for Canada, or much else to be honest. I know i said i didn't want to leave Crossroads, because i do really love the kids club, and the hours i do have, but i think i may have to. I have looked for jobs but there is none going at the minute.

Rant over.

Plymouth =)

It's been nearly a year since i saw Kelston, and about 4 months since i'd seen Cindy, but even then that was only really the weekend. So on the 24th of July, i set off to Plymouth for the week, which i think was timed just right.

I arrived at Exeter airoport just before 9, and was picked up by Kelston, so we got to have a nice wee chat, and update him on things!

I think during the week, for me at the minute, it was nice just to spend the time with them, even if some times i didn't talk that much, it was just nice to be in their company once again. To go for walks, to go to the cinema, to walk along the beach, to meet their young people (Who are a really nice lively bunch!), to just sitting in their house...i've really enjoyed it

I tunred into a right chicken today, or maybe the whole week. There's been so much stuff i've tried to say, but i could never find the right words. So today, i ended up writing a little note for Keslton, which Cindy has, sahll we say hidden very well, and is going to give it to him tomorrow!

But it has been a rather good week, so glad they let me visit :)
Good times!

Best Friends..

I have talked with a client a lot recentley about how her friend Sheila is always there, comes round every monday night without fail, no mattwer rain or snow...this little thing got me thinking.
Thinking about what Catherine said when she visited me the other week, that officership can be lonely, that the friends you have back at home, you wont see that much, the only good friends you'll have around you are officers.
This thought for some reason is starting to worry me. I love my friends to pieces, and have such amazing times with them, and i like the fact that when they come home, we all meet up, the fact i can go and visit them when i can, and the thought of not getting to do that, not having those friends around me, is honestly really starting to scare me. I don't know how i'll cope.
I know it's a sacrifice, and that God's called me,so God'll look after me, but, i just can't seem to get my head around it.
I don't want to leave them all.
That's going to be the hardest thing for me.
I love you guys! ♥xox

i miss you!

I know i'll never get over it, that would never happen. But i feel like a little 4 year old, that little 4 year old, replaying those moments of the 2nd November 1992 in my head, and it's forever printed in my memory...like a photograph...i can remember everything.
Sometimes i wish i just stayed upstairs, and never saw him, i thought not seeing him would make it easier.
Theres just things that you just think 'he should be here', like, for Grace and my graduation, grace's wedding, little leighton arriving, me and training college...he should be here for all this. I turned 21 a month ago, he should've been here for that.
Yeah, i'm used to him not being here, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I wish one of my earliest memories wasn't that day, i just wish he was here.
I just miss him so much :(

...

I finally managed my interview with Aberdeenshire council, just waiting to hear if i've been successful. I'm really hoping i do though. I always said i'd never leave crossroads if i got another Job, people told me to wait and see as it may not be possible to keep it on.

Now, i love working for Crossroads. I love that i get to work with people, to help people, to be here for people, to just be someone to yap to for an hour...but there's one client in the morning, it's more so the person i work with, that fro the last few weeks things have gotten really uncomfortable for me to be there. I'm not sure if it shows, but i certainly feel less confident walking in that house each morning. The thing, the person i work with is really friendly with the kids mum, so if i said anything, i'd be worried i may loose my 5 hours there, and i need the money, but the kid is also very lovely. I just don't know what to do.

On another note - Candidate interview next monday night, which is starting to scare me a little. Who knows if i know that we're going to be touching the topic of entry years, and with me and my heart and head setteled on going next year...i don't know what they'll say.

God cares..

I have this little bear that i got from someone very special to me, the bear is holding a heart that says"God cares". I have it on my desk aside my somputer, because i sit there quite a bit and it's a nice reminder.

Things are a little heavy going just now.

I have a few candidate things to finish off before my interview in June, i have a lot of extra hours at work at the minute with a workmate being off looking after her mum, i have leighton staying this weekend while Grace and George are away to southport, candidate sunday next week, and family things.

But more so, it should have been my dad's 52nd birthday yesterday. Now, it certainly doesn't get easier, but you learn to live. Well yesterday morning, i tried to tell Leighton about Dad, i've done this before, many times, but he'd never look at the pictures, well yesterday morning he did look, and he just looked at him. All i said was, "This is your granda Raymond" and since then, i've been walking around trying to get my head around it all, that my dad would be a granda, be barely got the chance to be our Dad.

I always wander what he'd be like.
I remember little things, little stories. ♥
I just miss him so much.

xx♥xx

"There's a hero if you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are.
There's an answer if you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know will melt away

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.
yeah yeah

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.

It's a long road when you face the world alone;
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold.
You can find love if you search within your self
and the emptiness you felt will disappear.

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.

oh....Lord knows dreams are hard to follow,
But don't let anyone tear them away.
Just Hold on, there will be tomorrow,
In time you'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you
that a hero lies in ... you
mmmm that a hero lies in.....you."
Mariah Carey
♥

...

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
♥

Thursday!

Today started off really bad.
I had thee worst hour at work this morning,and i just couldn't face anybody.
The clients i had after Ross, shocked me. The lady that i usally just take around peterhead to help with her shopping, well we actually had a nice talk, and the hours past really quick, the next lad is lovely and it's aways a pleasure just to sit with her.

But i just wanted to be alone today, which is very hard when you are a carer.

I had a meeting with Matthew this afternoon, which i say was very helpful and i think we make good progess on things.

Had an hour free, which was really nice because Nan, Grace, George and Leighton were round for supper. Leighton is just such anamazing wee boy, he could make you smile no matter how you were feeling.So i'm really glad i got a chance to get a hug from him earlier and see him laugh & giggle! =) ♥

Then had the tuesday club (On a thursday, talk about conusing,lol)

And that has been the rundown of my thursday!

Leighton Raymond Geddes, 4 months & 3 weeks.

Smiles & Giggles =)

Leighton playin with Auntie sam's bear KS! :p

New clothes from Auntie Sam!

Leigthon and Auntie Sam ♥

I really love my work. Especially on days when you just can't be bothered, because there is always something that happens, to make you feel so much better, especially working with Neale. Since it's the holidays, i've been with him in the afternoon instead of the evening, and we've talked and walked, and laughed and joked. It's been really nice.

With the holidays we have our teenage club on mondays and kids club on wednesdays. Monday was really good. Wehn wednesday came though, i woke up feeling so horrible;sore head,sore throat, blocked nose, the lot, that day i had to get through getting Ross ready;showered, milk and medicine sorted, bed made, and dishes washed and put away, then i had kids club; i was a bodyguard for one of the kids who liked to run out of the community centre and attacked by the same kid.

I still love my work though.

At the minute i'm trying to write a sermon for Candidate sunday on the 10th May. I've got a few things down, but i just can't seem to find the right words, or what God is telling me. I'll blog it when i'm done though.

Going to watch the passion of the Christ tonight, since it's Holy Week.

Hello 2009!

You know, my first thoughts as the clock struck 12 were, "Oh me, i'm going to London next year" - Now that was scary.

This last weekend though, has brought be back down with a great big thud. I got feedback back from the meeting i led in December, yeah it was good feedback, well, positive critical feedback as my old tutor would say. I needed it though, i needed someone to tell me what they would like me to me doing. Not exactly telling me what to do, but giving me ideas. Like doing a sermon once a month, and to get help with public speaking...I think these are good ideas. But if it was leading the meeting i struggled with, would it not be better if i did a whole meeting every couple of months?...that way, i know what the meetings about, then i can maybe deliever the meeting a bit better. Just a few thoughts really.

We're still waiting for my Gran's test results, i really hope she's okay! She was telling mum that she has this sist, so we're just waiting to hear from her if it's cancerous or not! (Hopefully it's not!)

So this year, is going to be a busy one.
With work hours hopefully increasing soon, Spending time with Leighton, Visiting Gemma and Laura, Getting down to Plymouth, and all my candidate stuff.