wow, i never realised how long it has been since i updated my blog, oops!

anyways, i don't really have much to say today, so sorry if this is one big ramble about so much rubbish.
First of all, college. Well, it's going ok, i'm getting on with everyone in the class so that's a good thing. Especially on tuesday mornings when you enter the coffee house and sit with John and Ewan, it's ace. John is a laugh, i don't have a clue what we were talking about, but all i remember is john saying..."orange cicles after the key signature, and a purpule triangle to show the key modulation"....turning out to hear in keyboard skills that the circle was sort of right, that why there's a hlaf cicrle with a line through it showing 4/4....totally random but hey, was a laugh.
I wish John wasn't able to lip read lol...Tony (our keyboard skills tutor) asked if there where any problems about the course, tell john and he'll pass them on to me, what did sam do? said "paul" oops, john was like "yeah sam i'll pass it on"...it's annoying though, one day we have rules for harmonising a piece os music, the next day we get told ignore the rules..i wish tara still taught us!

I get my educating your ears assessment back tomorrow, and i really hope i've passed, i don't want to have to sit it all over again.

I connected with Paul yesterday. I had my cornet lesson yesterday, and i wasn't really about the cornet, wasn't about the music, it was all about me...and in a way i was scared yesterday....to have someone blankey tell you "stop holding back" when you never realised you were holdung back....someone to tell you "let your personality come through", when you have no clue how to, someone tell you "i don't care if you play every note wrong", "you need to make more noise"...then think 'No, I'm shy, i can't'. We were getting ready to play little exercises and he said..."write we'll take this a bit faster then before"....i don't know what sort of face i made, but pual read it correctly, and he said "see now you have put those negative feelings in your head...you have already said, no i aint going to play it faster paul"....i don't get it, why am i so relluctant to let everything inside me go and just play to the best of my ability? Why do i have to be so shy? I have to perform next tuesday, and i'm dreading it, i don't want to be standing up ther will paul saying...."what you going to play?" "how are you going to do this?" but in a way, i can't wait till tuesday, whether thats to get it over and done with, or because i know deep down that i can do it, if i just relax, and let everything inside my head go, no negagtive feelings, all positive. I'll let you know how it goes though.

i don't think there's anything else to update on....*thinks* - ouch that hurt :p

nope that's all for now!

My Grandad

I aint updated here in ages, so i thought i'd do it now.

Basically my grandad was diagnosed with cancer in his liver in July, and from then on he was ok, a few bad days but nothing major, he got his first set of kemo a few weeks back and it hit him really bad. I never thought that it would be so soon. So soon that he was going to leave us. My mum told me last night that his cancer's in it's final stages and that he doen't have long :(
They could give him a bllod transfusion but if his heart goes, they wont resusitate him as the cancer is affecting all his other organs. It's in God's hands anyway, whatever happens, he's in God's hands.
I'm going to see him tonight, i'll let you know how it goes.

no longer i...

this last week was music school, and i decided i wasn't going this year, i don't even know why, it'd been ok if i already had a job when i had made that decision but no, samantha goes and says "no!".
I feel like a muppet now though, i wish i had went. And before you say it, i know, it's my own stupid darn fault. I just wished i hadn't thought so much about going and sent away the application form.
I love music school, it's an amazing week, and i needed that this year more than ever, but yeah. I guess you get the point that i wish i had gone and that i'm stupid.
So yeah. I'm going next year! argh, how stupid could i get?!

I grandad starts kemo in like 2 weeks. We found out he had a tomour in his liver a few weeks back, and found out 2 weeks ago that it was actually cancerous. It has really hut him really hard. When i went to see him when i found out, he was crying ( that being the first time i've seen my own gradad cry). I felt so bad for him. I kept blaming myself, i don't have a clue how it could have actually been my fault. When i saw my grandad that night, one of the first things he said was "but i have to be here for your wedding". My sister's getting married 13 weeks today. He will be here though, God will take care of him, and kemo is going to help him through it all.

trying to find her way in a mixed up messed up world

i did it agian, totally messed up everything, Where did all that strength go? all that courage and motivation to go to see daddy again, why has it all dissapered? i wanna see my daddy again, i really too, i miss him like crazy, but suddenly he went out my mimd and i felt lost, lost because the one thing i wanted - i couldn't have, and the only person i wanted to hug- has been dead for 12 nearly 13 years :( I miss him, why does life have to syuck so much? or why did that have to happen to me?

i have no clue what im saying in thisupdate, i just felt the need to update and say something so here goes. Sorry for those who read this bunch of stupid crapiest words ever.
Church this morning felt weird and i felt like i had no right to be there, until i new that God was still with me and that i knew i had my head sorted out. The songsters sang a song called 'if you call me lord" and i could feel all the congregation's eyes on me, most inparticular would have to be leanne's (our officer) dad.
When i went home last night, and sat down to look at sunday school for today it was all about living right for God and everything, something came jumping out to me, that everything would be ok in it''s own way. Everyone go's off the rails and god's path sometime in life don't they? they get forgiven don't they? and then they get to go to heaven and all that...my biggest worry and upset right noww is that i wont see my daddy ever again.
Please God forgive me, i know what i have done is wrong and i know i will never do it again, i want to follow your plan for my life, i want to live for you, i want to serve you, not myself and not others, YOU, the one and only God, and master of my life.

3days left of school!

Its quite sad that in 3 days I will have finished my school days for ever, that is until I reach my dream and become a teacher. But yeah, school, this year has probably sucked where marks and results have been concerned, but I would not go back and change this year for the world. I have made some great new friends, and people who I already knew in earlier school years have talked to me a lot more. I have had a blast and loved ever minute of the whole experience of being a prefect has been awesome. However, there have been times where I wondered should I still be here? And oh no, what am I going to do! These times were when my best mate left school back in November – I was doing well that day, it was for the best, she had all her grades that she needed and stuff, but after she handed back her locker key and after giving her a hug, I went to RE and cried, although I tried my bets to hide my tears. For a while when she left I always though “she’s going to walk through the t-bar doors now” but as you probably already know, she never did walk through those doors, and times were I felt alone, but in the end I wasn’t alone and I knew that I had other friends at school to hang around with, and the time in which I would get to spend with my best mate would be special. There were other times when my friends at school would start arguments, which really upset me. I love all my friends to bits. So more importantly there is the education side of school, where I dropped one class at the start of term this year (RE), everything was going fine according to me, I knew I could do it, I think deep down I was kidding myself because two weeks ago I was kicked out on English but it was however a two way decision between me and my teacher, now I only have Biology (which im failing too) and Music which I am actually passing, yeeeeeheeeeee.
I don’t want to leave school. Our head teacher led an assembly about ‘ The Exams’ and handed out the sixth years their certificates for peer support which they have been involved in all year round. I got mine for Home economics and P.S.E (social education). It was sort of an emotional day, and I dread to think what Thursday I going to be like.
I guess through God I can anything – “I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength’.
All I can say now, is Rock on Thursday then hurry up to the 16th of may for my 18th Birthday and then the 23rd may when I finally leave school. Let’s hope I get into college, because I am so not sitting around on my backside every day doing nothing!
Thanks for reading guys!

im new, and boring too!

this is just a quick post just to say hi, and that im new here lol! So, yeah hi people :)