this last week was music school, and i decided i wasn't going this year, i don't even know why, it'd been ok if i already had a job when i had made that decision but no, samantha goes and says "no!".
I feel like a muppet now though, i wish i had went. And before you say it, i know, it's my own stupid darn fault. I just wished i hadn't thought so much about going and sent away the application form.
I love music school, it's an amazing week, and i needed that this year more than ever, but yeah. I guess you get the point that i wish i had gone and that i'm stupid.
So yeah. I'm going next year! argh, how stupid could i get?!
I grandad starts kemo in like 2 weeks. We found out he had a tomour in his liver a few weeks back, and found out 2 weeks ago that it was actually cancerous. It has really hut him really hard. When i went to see him when i found out, he was crying ( that being the first time i've seen my own gradad cry). I felt so bad for him. I kept blaming myself, i don't have a clue how it could have actually been my fault. When i saw my grandad that night, one of the first things he said was "but i have to be here for your wedding". My sister's getting married 13 weeks today. He will be here though, God will take care of him, and kemo is going to help him through it all.
8/5/06
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Y'know.. there's a chance you just weren't meant to go to Music School this year. You've said before that you couldn't figure out why you didn't send away the form but that it just didn't feel right somehow, so maybe there was a reason for that. Maybe you needed to be here to get your job. Maybe you needed to be here for your mum whilst her dad's ill and her daughter moved out. Maybe you needed to be here so the little kids could try it out on their own the first time. Maybe it wasn't any of those things, but yeah.
Either way, just stop working yourself up about it. What's done is done and there'll always be plenty more to go to. Find something you gained by staying at home instead because i'm sure there are lots if you bother to look...
And your grandad's in my prayers and lots and lots of other people's too. He'll be okay. *hughughugs*
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