...there's never been a mountain that the lord could not move...

Okay, so i last updated this in january, how rubbish am i?

After that last update, i met with my Candidate officer (Christine Comley) and Officers, Matthew and Debbie, and had an interview sort of meeting. This was on the 14th January. Lots was discussed that night. We talked about my visit to london last october, what i thought, what was my favourite part of the work the army does that i saw in London. We talked about work, family, friends, Driven, the army, my calling, anything and everything. Then, the meeting ended with 'We're not putting you forward for entry to College this year', i was in tears. This wasn't really new news to me, i'd not from december maybe even november, but i hid all these feelings away. I didn't want to say anything that may have been taken the wrong way, so when i heard Christine say that, honestly, i knew that it was God, and not my own fears and doubt.

For about the next few days, i was very emmotional, for weeks my sleep pattern was all over the place, going to bed at 2 and waking up at 7. Was rubbish. no one in my corps really knew apart from the Pastoral Care Council, and a few of the youth. It has taken a while to get used to. If i did get put forward for this year, it would hae been a bad idea, i'm not ready and i know that, it's just the fact that for the last 3 years, i've mentally prepared myself for he arrival of this year, and to not be going, takes a few readjustments,so i appologise now for the emotional roller coaster that i may be on at times.

Inbetween all this happening on the candidate front, i've found a few things hard. Like, self worth and the fact that i sometimes feel like i don't fit in. I keep going over the one big question: God why me? What do i have to offer?. I'm not the smartest person you'll meet in life, far from it actually, i have no idea what to say that will be of any help to my friends, or family members so the thought of role play playing any part in an assessment confrence scares me. I feel totally useless, as a friend, youth leader, daughter, sister.

I'm just finding things a little hard at the minute.