This week marked four years to my Dadad, and i miss him very much.
This past month, was been about trips to see Nan in the hospital - its been finding out that my Nan has cancer of the gullet. This month has been hard.
This month, i have also had a lot of contact from London, regarding my medical and physcological consult, which dates have been made for he 5th October. Which makes me very happy knowing things are happening.
This pst few months has been a lot about time management, with studies to be sent to London, Sermons and meeting prep, work, the youth, this month, has been mega crazy, and next month is not going to be any better.
And to top it all off, i kid myself by telling me that i am okay. I pretend that i'm okay with all of this, when really it kills me inside. I am not the sort of person to just give up on people, but i cannot do anything to sort this out. But then you act all childish, and make everything i hae though about you to be wrong, i just, i don't know what to do. I don' think i can do anything. I just hate it that i am the only one who gives a crap.
10/2/10
8/10/10
First update in ages, i am really rubbish at this blogging.
Anyways, i have been given these Salvation Story studies to work through, which is fine, i understand why i was given them to do, and i am finding out a good few things i never knew at all before, so it's going to benefit me, i know that.
But they have to be finished and sent to London, sent back to me, etc, before my assessment conference in January. And here's where i have my big issue. Maybe i am lacking faith, motivation, self confidence, i guess i am living iin doubt that it'll be done. But it is a big concern of mine at the minute, especially with my work rota getting changed, i just don't see how everything is going to fit in, i really don't. Maybe i just need a kick up the back side, i don't know.
Another thing, i have these forms to fill out, which is okay, but it asks me for my concerns. Expect my concern is that i cannot, apart form maybe a certain few people, pour my heart out too. I have the tendacy to bottle things up, and not tell anyone, untill the very last point.
My concern is that, my bedroom is fiiled with stuff for me moving to london for next year, and i just cry. The thought scares me more than ever right now.
THat's my concerns.
Anyways, i have been given these Salvation Story studies to work through, which is fine, i understand why i was given them to do, and i am finding out a good few things i never knew at all before, so it's going to benefit me, i know that.
But they have to be finished and sent to London, sent back to me, etc, before my assessment conference in January. And here's where i have my big issue. Maybe i am lacking faith, motivation, self confidence, i guess i am living iin doubt that it'll be done. But it is a big concern of mine at the minute, especially with my work rota getting changed, i just don't see how everything is going to fit in, i really don't. Maybe i just need a kick up the back side, i don't know.
Another thing, i have these forms to fill out, which is okay, but it asks me for my concerns. Expect my concern is that i cannot, apart form maybe a certain few people, pour my heart out too. I have the tendacy to bottle things up, and not tell anyone, untill the very last point.
My concern is that, my bedroom is fiiled with stuff for me moving to london for next year, and i just cry. The thought scares me more than ever right now.
THat's my concerns.
7/14/10
From this moment on, I'll serve you only.
The title of this blog, is in fact the Prayer Warriors sesion dedication song, and has stuck with me, i literally can;t get it out of my head, love it.
From this moment on,
I'll serve you only.
From this moment on,
I'll follow you.
From this moment on,
My life is wholly yours;
From this moment on.
You hold the heavens
Within your hands.
Your love is wider, depper
Than i can understand/
I'm flawed and sinful,
I dirft and stray;
But you called me to come.
So i will trust and obey.
Amazing words, Words that took over my heart, and mind, and i keep singing to myself.
You know, i always knew that i could get appointed anywhere when i get commissioned as a Salvation Army officer, but this year, knowing this are happening for entry to college next year, everythings becoming that little bit more real, and alive.
Like, the fact that it dawned on me that i have no idea where i will be places, is actually really scary, and i know, i need to putall my trust in God, and Believe that he knows best.
During my London holiday with my mum last week, i met a new friend, who is hoping to go to college next year, so she'll hopefully be in my session, and i meet up with friends who are going in this year and the year after me, so i am feeling slighty less nervous by the fact i'll be in college knowing some people to start with.
So, looking at entry to college next year, i need to start studying, which i just sent of a cheque for, so hopefully all that material will arrive pretty soon, because it needs to be finished by January, for my assessment conference. With a medical and Physc consultation at some point too.
It feels like there is so much to do in the next 12 months, and the 12 months doesn't seem enough time. But i am praying that God will equip me, because it is only by his Grace that any of it is possible.
From this moment on,
I'll serve you only.
From this moment on,
I'll follow you.
From this moment on,
My life is wholly yours;
From this moment on.
You hold the heavens
Within your hands.
Your love is wider, depper
Than i can understand/
I'm flawed and sinful,
I dirft and stray;
But you called me to come.
So i will trust and obey.
Amazing words, Words that took over my heart, and mind, and i keep singing to myself.
You know, i always knew that i could get appointed anywhere when i get commissioned as a Salvation Army officer, but this year, knowing this are happening for entry to college next year, everythings becoming that little bit more real, and alive.
Like, the fact that it dawned on me that i have no idea where i will be places, is actually really scary, and i know, i need to putall my trust in God, and Believe that he knows best.
During my London holiday with my mum last week, i met a new friend, who is hoping to go to college next year, so she'll hopefully be in my session, and i meet up with friends who are going in this year and the year after me, so i am feeling slighty less nervous by the fact i'll be in college knowing some people to start with.
So, looking at entry to college next year, i need to start studying, which i just sent of a cheque for, so hopefully all that material will arrive pretty soon, because it needs to be finished by January, for my assessment conference. With a medical and Physc consultation at some point too.
It feels like there is so much to do in the next 12 months, and the 12 months doesn't seem enough time. But i am praying that God will equip me, because it is only by his Grace that any of it is possible.
4/21/10
...there's never been a mountain that the lord could not move...
Okay, so i last updated this in january, how rubbish am i?
After that last update, i met with my Candidate officer (Christine Comley) and Officers, Matthew and Debbie, and had an interview sort of meeting. This was on the 14th January. Lots was discussed that night. We talked about my visit to london last october, what i thought, what was my favourite part of the work the army does that i saw in London. We talked about work, family, friends, Driven, the army, my calling, anything and everything. Then, the meeting ended with 'We're not putting you forward for entry to College this year', i was in tears. This wasn't really new news to me, i'd not from december maybe even november, but i hid all these feelings away. I didn't want to say anything that may have been taken the wrong way, so when i heard Christine say that, honestly, i knew that it was God, and not my own fears and doubt.
For about the next few days, i was very emmotional, for weeks my sleep pattern was all over the place, going to bed at 2 and waking up at 7. Was rubbish. no one in my corps really knew apart from the Pastoral Care Council, and a few of the youth. It has taken a while to get used to. If i did get put forward for this year, it would hae been a bad idea, i'm not ready and i know that, it's just the fact that for the last 3 years, i've mentally prepared myself for he arrival of this year, and to not be going, takes a few readjustments,so i appologise now for the emotional roller coaster that i may be on at times.
Inbetween all this happening on the candidate front, i've found a few things hard. Like, self worth and the fact that i sometimes feel like i don't fit in. I keep going over the one big question: God why me? What do i have to offer?. I'm not the smartest person you'll meet in life, far from it actually, i have no idea what to say that will be of any help to my friends, or family members so the thought of role play playing any part in an assessment confrence scares me. I feel totally useless, as a friend, youth leader, daughter, sister.
I'm just finding things a little hard at the minute.
After that last update, i met with my Candidate officer (Christine Comley) and Officers, Matthew and Debbie, and had an interview sort of meeting. This was on the 14th January. Lots was discussed that night. We talked about my visit to london last october, what i thought, what was my favourite part of the work the army does that i saw in London. We talked about work, family, friends, Driven, the army, my calling, anything and everything. Then, the meeting ended with 'We're not putting you forward for entry to College this year', i was in tears. This wasn't really new news to me, i'd not from december maybe even november, but i hid all these feelings away. I didn't want to say anything that may have been taken the wrong way, so when i heard Christine say that, honestly, i knew that it was God, and not my own fears and doubt.
For about the next few days, i was very emmotional, for weeks my sleep pattern was all over the place, going to bed at 2 and waking up at 7. Was rubbish. no one in my corps really knew apart from the Pastoral Care Council, and a few of the youth. It has taken a while to get used to. If i did get put forward for this year, it would hae been a bad idea, i'm not ready and i know that, it's just the fact that for the last 3 years, i've mentally prepared myself for he arrival of this year, and to not be going, takes a few readjustments,so i appologise now for the emotional roller coaster that i may be on at times.
Inbetween all this happening on the candidate front, i've found a few things hard. Like, self worth and the fact that i sometimes feel like i don't fit in. I keep going over the one big question: God why me? What do i have to offer?. I'm not the smartest person you'll meet in life, far from it actually, i have no idea what to say that will be of any help to my friends, or family members so the thought of role play playing any part in an assessment confrence scares me. I feel totally useless, as a friend, youth leader, daughter, sister.
I'm just finding things a little hard at the minute.
1/7/10
hopes and dreams for 2010.
2010, is here. well nearly 8 days into it.
I was wishing the last few hours of 2009 would drag out a little, because whilst i wanted a new year, i was scared of it too. The thought, that in 8 months, i could be heading to London, to the William Booth training college to become a cadet. None of this is official right now, like i have no idea where or whats going to be happening - that scares me more than not knowing. But i have a meeting next thursday, so maybe that'll be the confirmation that i need.
My hopes and dreams for 2010:
- Save money, for London, for adventures to see my family down in Greenock, for a Holiday with my mum.
- To start learning to Drive & take my theory test.
- To be more active. I've always wanted to go to the gym, maybe this year i will.
- To grow into the person God has intended me to be & to faithfully follow his plans for my life.
I was wishing the last few hours of 2009 would drag out a little, because whilst i wanted a new year, i was scared of it too. The thought, that in 8 months, i could be heading to London, to the William Booth training college to become a cadet. None of this is official right now, like i have no idea where or whats going to be happening - that scares me more than not knowing. But i have a meeting next thursday, so maybe that'll be the confirmation that i need.
My hopes and dreams for 2010:
- Save money, for London, for adventures to see my family down in Greenock, for a Holiday with my mum.
- To start learning to Drive & take my theory test.
- To be more active. I've always wanted to go to the gym, maybe this year i will.
- To grow into the person God has intended me to be & to faithfully follow his plans for my life.
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