I'm trying me hardest to remember what that feeling was like when i felt the feeling of god calling me to officership, but i can only remember electrylte playing and everything else was silent and i started to cry, i felt something deep inside, something that was way beyond my understanding. I don't know why God wants me to be an officer.
I keep thinking to myself, and screaming out to God sating "Look God i'm 18, so not ready for being an officer, pick someone else, because i wont do a good job" - then i get reminded of people saying that 'if it's what God wants then it'll be ok' and they're true, i just wish i knew, i just want to know if it's what he wants or not!
I'm scared, still scared, i was all set for being a music therapist and then saturday happens, and bang, thats thrown out the window and officership takes over everything.
The bus journey home that evening was a very quiet one. I was sooo deep in though, and so scared that the tears were running so fast down my face. I needed someone to tell, i needed to share this, my first thought, i'll text Laura, she's my best friend i knew i could tell her, i knew she'd be up for chatting about it with me - then my phone died. If felt like i was meant to be alone with God for a while, just to work things through with him, but i think the fact i couldn't tell anyone drove me mad. I couldn't even tell andrew cos there was 13 young people in the bus and i just felt alone.
but now, Laura, Andrew, Catherine, Kelston and Mum all know, so i have got pople who can talk to me about things so i guess thats good.
Although i think i'm meant to be talking with Catherine tomorrow and i don't know what to say to her :/
2/14/07
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1. i know how you feel about only being 18 and not being ready; but it's like Andrew was saying the other night - feeling that call doesn't mean you're going to be flown straight to London tomorrow. it's a process - it might take years for God to work out his plan in you and bring you to the point where he wants you to be at in order for the officership to come into being.
2. Out of interest, what song were Electralyte playing? Or what had just been spoken about? What you've described is a perfect start.. work from there.
3. Just tell Catherine exactly what you're thinking or feeling.. write it down as it comes to you or email me if it helps. She'll help ya get it out, lol
Love you so much. You know where i am, k?
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