I'll Not Turn Back.

2011-07-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

I have never been a great speaker, never been good with enlgish...never been top of the class, but thats okay because it doesn't matter to God how smart you are, does it?

This is what i am seriously trying to drum in my head at the moment, and i thought i had it at the begining of the year, and now i'm back to square one. I feel as though, no matter what i say that it's going to sound so stupid...its always been in the back of my mind, regardless of who i am around. Sometimes, i let my walls down and say anything that comes out, and sometimes i wish i didn't.

I really don't know where this is going, and i am not sure when or if things will change..all i know is to be an effective minister of religion, i think i may have to.

2011-06-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

Can't help but feel so lost just now. Today was such a hard day, yet i loved being with my Dad's family, even if it was only for a short time, although it would have been a lot better under different circumstances. Though, if it was just a random visit, there is no way i would have seen everyone.

When we arrived in Greenock on Monday night, we went straight up to my Grandma', (there's something that i can't explain that well about walking up her stairs, and into My Grandma's house, just feels so right, and homely.) but we sat for about 4 hours talking, drinking lots of tea and having far too many biscuits (the usual at my Grandma's), and then had take out when my auntie arrived. I love just sitting listening to them talk, because i always find out so many things about my family i never knew; like this trip revealed i am a lot like my Aunite Elaine in a few ways, and that i'm a proper Davies...and everyone still thinks wee Chloe looks like me (poor kid).

I love walking up my Grandma's stairs to find all my cousins in their usual hang out, i love laughing with them...i love the pictures all over the living room, i love how the first thing my auntie asked me about was my farewell.

I always thought, that because of the distance, and because we hardly ever talk, that My Dad's side of the family just don't care...but its the total opposite, and i just wish we lived a little closer so i could walk up those many stairs, and into that kitchen a lot more.

Its the little things.

Today has been a hard day, and i know that my Uncle Alan would have been looking at all today a few times, and smiling and laughing, for so many reasons. It was such a lovely service.

Praying for strength and protection around the Davies family down in Greenock & Johnstone. Love you all <3

2011-06-12T07:43:00.000-07:00

(Finally got this blog to work,yay)

Got a lot on my mind, and keep trying to vent things out over many different sites, but the wording never seems quite right..so i shall try here.

Just as i was getting used to my Nan no longer being around, and re-adjusting my weeks routine, i received the news that my Uncle (Dad's younger brother) suddenly passed away on Tuesday morning. Which has been a total shock, and as you can imagine, has been quite hard to accept.

You never would think a mother would have to borrow one of her kids...never mind two, and both her boys, both sudden deaths, no warnings, both heart related. It just shouldn't happen to anyone.

It took me till Friday morning to properly take everything in, i didn't think it could be true. I'm sometimes like a little child and think people are invincible and nothing will ever touch them - how wrong i can be. But Friday was my worst day, work was the hardest 5 hours ever.

My uncle was the only one on my Dad's side of the family who would take the time to really talk to me, about my Dad; even though he would stop when we both got upset...he took the time, and now i have lost that. It may sound selfish, i know.I know i didn't see him that often, but at the end of the day he was my Uncle Alan & i loved him very much.

I will miss him very much, i'll miss how he would talk to me about London and about how he wanted me to get sent to sunny Spain; haha!! I will miss his phone calls and texts, i will miss how he used to help me surprise my Grandma Sadie when i arrived on her doorstep.

Uncle Alan, You may be gone, but you will forever remain in our hearts, always!
You were a true Davies! :) RIP.
Love always, your sweet Niece, Samantha!xxx

freak out, just let it go..

2010-10-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

This week marked four years to my Dadad, and i miss him very much.
This past month, was been about trips to see Nan in the hospital - its been finding out that my Nan has cancer of the gullet. This month has been hard.

This month, i have also had a lot of contact from London, regarding my medical and physcological consult, which dates have been made for he 5th October. Which makes me very happy knowing things are happening.

This pst few months has been a lot about time management, with studies to be sent to London, Sermons and meeting prep, work, the youth, this month, has been mega crazy, and next month is not going to be any better.

And to top it all off, i kid myself by telling me that i am okay. I pretend that i'm okay with all of this, when really it kills me inside. I am not the sort of person to just give up on people, but i cannot do anything to sort this out. But then you act all childish, and make everything i hae though about you to be wrong, i just, i don't know what to do. I don' think i can do anything. I just hate it that i am the only one who gives a crap.

2010-08-10T12:54:00.001-07:00

First update in ages, i am really rubbish at this blogging.

Anyways, i have been given these Salvation Story studies to work through, which is fine, i understand why i was given them to do, and i am finding out a good few things i never knew at all before, so it's going to benefit me, i know that.

But they have to be finished and sent to London, sent back to me, etc, before my assessment conference in January. And here's where i have my big issue. Maybe i am lacking faith, motivation, self confidence, i guess i am living iin doubt that it'll be done. But it is a big concern of mine at the minute, especially with my work rota getting changed, i just don't see how everything is going to fit in, i really don't. Maybe i just need a kick up the back side, i don't know.

Another thing, i have these forms to fill out, which is okay, but it asks me for my concerns. Expect my concern is that i cannot, apart form maybe a certain few people, pour my heart out too. I have the tendacy to bottle things up, and not tell anyone, untill the very last point.

My concern is that, my bedroom is fiiled with stuff for me moving to london for next year, and i just cry. The thought scares me more than ever right now.

THat's my concerns.

From this moment on, I'll serve you only.

2010-07-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

The title of this blog, is in fact the Prayer Warriors sesion dedication song, and has stuck with me, i literally can;t get it out of my head, love it.

From this moment on,
I'll serve you only.
From this moment on,
I'll follow you.
From this moment on,
My life is wholly yours;
From this moment on.

You hold the heavens
Within your hands.
Your love is wider, depper
Than i can understand/
I'm flawed and sinful,
I dirft and stray;
But you called me to come.
So i will trust and obey.

Amazing words, Words that took over my heart, and mind, and i keep singing to myself.

You know, i always knew that i could get appointed anywhere when i get commissioned as a Salvation Army officer, but this year, knowing this are happening for entry to college next year, everythings becoming that little bit more real, and alive.
Like, the fact that it dawned on me that i have no idea where i will be places, is actually really scary, and i know, i need to putall my trust in God, and Believe that he knows best.

During my London holiday with my mum last week, i met a new friend, who is hoping to go to college next year, so she'll hopefully be in my session, and i meet up with friends who are going in this year and the year after me, so i am feeling slighty less nervous by the fact i'll be in college knowing some people to start with.

So, looking at entry to college next year, i need to start studying, which i just sent of a cheque for, so hopefully all that material will arrive pretty soon, because it needs to be finished by January, for my assessment conference. With a medical and Physc consultation at some point too.

It feels like there is so much to do in the next 12 months, and the 12 months doesn't seem enough time. But i am praying that God will equip me, because it is only by his Grace that any of it is possible.

...there's never been a mountain that the lord could not move...

2010-04-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, so i last updated this in january, how rubbish am i?

After that last update, i met with my Candidate officer (Christine Comley) and Officers, Matthew and Debbie, and had an interview sort of meeting. This was on the 14th January. Lots was discussed that night. We talked about my visit to london last october, what i thought, what was my favourite part of the work the army does that i saw in London. We talked about work, family, friends, Driven, the army, my calling, anything and everything. Then, the meeting ended with 'We're not putting you forward for entry to College this year', i was in tears. This wasn't really new news to me, i'd not from december maybe even november, but i hid all these feelings away. I didn't want to say anything that may have been taken the wrong way, so when i heard Christine say that, honestly, i knew that it was God, and not my own fears and doubt.

For about the next few days, i was very emmotional, for weeks my sleep pattern was all over the place, going to bed at 2 and waking up at 7. Was rubbish. no one in my corps really knew apart from the Pastoral Care Council, and a few of the youth. It has taken a while to get used to. If i did get put forward for this year, it would hae been a bad idea, i'm not ready and i know that, it's just the fact that for the last 3 years, i've mentally prepared myself for he arrival of this year, and to not be going, takes a few readjustments,so i appologise now for the emotional roller coaster that i may be on at times.

Inbetween all this happening on the candidate front, i've found a few things hard. Like, self worth and the fact that i sometimes feel like i don't fit in. I keep going over the one big question: God why me? What do i have to offer?. I'm not the smartest person you'll meet in life, far from it actually, i have no idea what to say that will be of any help to my friends, or family members so the thought of role play playing any part in an assessment confrence scares me. I feel totally useless, as a friend, youth leader, daughter, sister.

I'm just finding things a little hard at the minute.

hopes and dreams for 2010.

2010-01-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

2010, is here. well nearly 8 days into it.

I was wishing the last few hours of 2009 would drag out a little, because whilst i wanted a new year, i was scared of it too. The thought, that in 8 months, i could be heading to London, to the William Booth training college to become a cadet. None of this is official right now, like i have no idea where or whats going to be happening - that scares me more than not knowing. But i have a meeting next thursday, so maybe that'll be the confirmation that i need.

My hopes and dreams for 2010:

- Save money, for London, for adventures to see my family down in Greenock, for a Holiday with my mum.

- To start learning to Drive & take my theory test.

- To be more active. I've always wanted to go to the gym, maybe this year i will.

- To grow into the person God has intended me to be & to faithfully follow his plans for my life.

Advent-agous!

2009-12-05T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm nervous. I'm nearly in tears with nerves.
Crazy stuff.

This is my prayer for tomorrow, for me and for every person in Peterhead Salvation Army Hall.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything
♥

I hope and pray, that with what i have prepared, God lvoe will be shown. That we will all know, including me that this advent season is about so much more than presents and shopping, that there was a precious baby born, a gift to us all. That we will accept him into our hearts and lives today!

"Christ in me, the hope of Glory. Be my are Everything!" ♥

2009-11-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

once again i said my goodbyes
to those i love most
my heart feels that familiar pain
as i long for hope
cause this road is hard
when i feel so far

And God i'm crying out tonight
cause i've givin you my life
but im tired and im missing whats behind
so once more heres my life

on the day that you called my name
all that i knew changed
I found when i said yes
that i would never be the same
though the call is hard
you are worth it all

and God Im crying out tonight
cause ive givin you my life
but im tired and im missing whats behind
so once more....

even when the tears are falling
when i find i fear the calling you
remind me, (yeah)
words you've spoken over my life
promises i've yet to see
you comfort me. (yeah yeah)
BarlowGirl - Heres my life ♥

These last few weeks, have been really weird, they've brought so many tears, and in between some smiles. I feel like i've been on a 3 week rollercoaster and unable to get off.

The song by BarlowGirl above, i can relate to it in so many ways. Not so much fear, as i can't do this, more like i feel i need to know certain things before i can move on in life, things about my Dad. I personally, feel like if i knew more about him, things would be a little easier. Maybe not, but i feel i need to know some things. It's just tricky trying to work out who to ask, when to ask, and how to ask. It's not like all this happened yesterday, we're talking 17 years ago.

On a more possitive note, i feel work in Something Special, is going really well. I'm really enjoying it and the girls are just lovely. Although, i do really miss Crossroads. I feel that all the things i need to do for officership are starting to come into being. And that makes me happy.

be a hero.

2009-10-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling rather overwhelmed at the minute. Overwhelmed by everything i have to do in the space of the next 10 months, if that. Studies, Assingments for my folder, sermons, meetings, reading (whihc shouldn't be such an issue, but yeah), home leagues, over sixties, interviews, meetings with matthew and debbie, assessment confrences, not to mention Driven, sunday school, Work, and a social life in it all. It just seems like so much in too little time.

It scares me & makes me happy.
Prayers needed though. Thanks guys.

2009-10-08T04:28:00.000-07:00

I have just had one of thee most amazing weeks ever. Meet some amazing people, realized i don't have to be scared of some people, haha. This week has taught me so much, i've meet some awesome people who use the salvation armys community programmes around London, i've had so many experiences, it's been so good.

I miss london now though. I miss the Candidate Unit, and everyone in the unit, amazing people.

I was sitting at the welcome weekend waiting for the meetings to start on Saturday night, and on sunday, and everyone i talked to, when i explained what i was doing there, they all said "This will be a good confirmation of your calling then. Have a good week!"....i kept thinking, having had a really good week, that God haven't to my knowledge confirmed officership to me, though i sppok to soon. The band then played "In Christ alone" and "Dear Lord i do surrender", two of which are my songs about officership and speek volumes to me. Amazing stuff.

I alos have discovered through conversations with Linda, that Gods timing and how he works is truely amazing. No other officer, well actually, no one apart from my mum i think knows what i told Lina, Mark & Amanda...and to be told by Linda that she wanted to do certain things but couldn't for various reasons....But, through her officership, she's done them, God has let it all happen. It's gave me much more hope, but also made me think thigns over and decided to place it all in Gods hands.

I had a busy week, going to different corps programmes; from croydons baby song, to selling papers in Beckenham, to Kids clubs, to Prayers at the college, to helping in the hall at penge to the welcome weekend, the college JAM club to parent & toddlers ar penge....it's been amazing. But theres one day that really sticks out to me, that is Monday. On monday, i went to prayers at the college with Amanda, then back to the Candidate unit from half 9 - half 2. During these hours, i reflected. I filled in the reflection forms i got by Linda, and then was given two assessments to fill in, which took a while.

>After Lunch, at half 1, i meet with Mark. We sat and chated about everything, about the passion assessment i just filled in, about why i think i'm ready for next year, what more experience i felt i needed, and about a few other things. We also discused doing some studies before then, so i've got to think about that now.

Mark & Linda, have been amazing, for taking the time out to sit and chat with me, for taking me round London and listening, for praying for me, and for the last few things they said...

Linda said i did really well this week, and said to keep in touch and i could email her when i needed to chat, and Mark told me to email him if i ever need him.

I may not know exactly whats going to happen next year. But whatever it is, God is in full control, and i know that if i do go to college next year, it will be an amazing experience.

Family...=)

2009-09-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

The suprise trip i've been planning for months, to go see my nan was today. My cousin James meet me at Greenock Central Station, and we then went up to my Grandma's, where i managed to get in the back door, through the kitchen and hid at the front door, but she must have saw me, that or James looked at me, can't really remember. Anyhow, it was really nice...We talked for two whole hours, i don't think i've ever had that kind of conversation with her, especially one where i mentioned my Dad, and where we talked about my Grandad (Her husband, died 6 years ago), i just, i needed that, i needed a chat with someone that close to my Dad, someone who really knew him, apart from my mum.

It was only a short visit, but it was well worth it.

I love my Grandma Sadie, so so so much ♥
I loved being in Greenock again.
I loved hearing storied from my Gran.
I loved goofing around with my cousin James.
I loved suprising my Grandma.
I love the fact she still has pictures of us all in her living room from when we were wee, and they never get moved.
I love seeing things that connect me with my Dad, apart from my family.
I love Greenock, because it's where my mum & dad meet ♥
I loved sitting in my Grandma's kitchen remembering that i squirted her newly washed windows with a water pistol.
I loved thinking back to our october holidays there and spending time with my cousins :)

I love my family. They are the bestest. ♥xxx

My Saturday..

2009-08-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my second fund raiser for training college. I held a soup and sweet at the army hall, 12 - 2pm. It was very well attended, and had an awesome total of £630...Praise God! I'm so grateful for everyones support, for again showing me the support that's around me, that is one thing that continues to amaze me, and bring me to tears. I love all you guys ♥

After my soup & sweet, a few of the young ones who helped earlier on went for coffee and a walk round town - that was really good too, glad i got to spend that time with them! :)

Then this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqNgsnsMnsI&feature=related

Grace and I, were meant to be going into Aberdeen last night to the cinema to see the above film. We decided friday night that to do it some other time, but when i was down town with the young ones, we decided to just go. I'm actually really glad we did go, i really like spending time with her, we don't do it that often.

But this film, is actually amazing! I wasn't expecting it to be that great actually, i was only going cause Grace wanted too. But, that film, the idea of time travelling, it made me happy and sad, all at the same time. Because then, i'm not the only person who's thought about it. How much times i've wanted to go back in time, to just spend that little time with certain people, like Dad for one, Grampa Bill, Dadad...but so much more Dad.

I like films like these, because for that hour or so, you believe...i just never knew i'd relate so much to the film. I was in tears.

2009-08-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

Today...

Work. One hour. Nuts.
Can't wait till tomorrow when i actually work for more than one hour, roll on kids club :) It makes me happy!

I sent an email about another Job with Cornerstone today, my mum's cousin works for them, and i had a look on their website, looks good. Just have to wait and see what happens from now.

I keep trying to figure this all out in my head. I keep connecting the pieces together, everything i thought after my interview with Crossroads last year....'Africa - working alongside children with dissavilities, music at college, my plans to do music therapy sometime along the line in dissabled school'...it all linked together, and i thought at the time, it was the right Job for me. Most people i talk to just now seem to think Crossroads have mucked me around,that i've had the experience, but in all fairness to them, from the start till now, they never said they could promise me hours. I jsut thought i'd have more by now.

Anyhoo, on a brighter note. I keep thinking back to the Summer Holiday Clubs, so i've downloaded some the songs from teenage club = Happy times =)

La Roux - In for the kill
Pixie Lot - Mama Do
The Veronicas - Untouchable
Jason Mraz - I'm yours
James Morrison - Broken strings
Alesha Dixon - Breathe Slow
♥

I love the Crossroads teenage & Kids club =)

argghhhh!

2009-08-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

Is full of the cold and all i wanted to do till 3 was sleep. But with Crossraods (my work) calling me time after time, that didn't quite happen.

The first few calls were okay, well, not really affecting my own work hours, however i lady i used to cover for when maggie (another crossraods carer) was off, well she's in hospital, not good. Then came the last phone call, and you won't know how glad i am that it's past 3pm - least my boss can't call me till 9am tomorrow. Basically, i'm not going back to a certain lady that i used to go to from 4 -5. I don't know why, i keep wondering if i have done something wrong, if the lady secretley wasn't pleased with me, maybe i now talk way top much, i just don't get it, there's no way her usual carer is back, as she only had her baby last month, and i can't see maggie getting her, as her mum's undergoing treatment for cancer, so i have no idea what's happenening.

My boss asked the hours i have now....7 a week, and kids club every 2nd saturday. Not enough. He said he'll keep me in mind for anything else that comes up, which reassures me that maybe i am doing okay?

But honestly, 7 hours a week, and kids club every 2nd saturday, is not going to be enough to save for London next year, or for Canada, or much else to be honest. I know i said i didn't want to leave Crossroads, because i do really love the kids club, and the hours i do have, but i think i may have to. I have looked for jobs but there is none going at the minute.

Rant over.

Plymouth =)

2009-07-31T15:22:00.001-07:00

It's been nearly a year since i saw Kelston, and about 4 months since i'd seen Cindy, but even then that was only really the weekend. So on the 24th of July, i set off to Plymouth for the week, which i think was timed just right.

I arrived at Exeter airoport just before 9, and was picked up by Kelston, so we got to have a nice wee chat, and update him on things!

I think during the week, for me at the minute, it was nice just to spend the time with them, even if some times i didn't talk that much, it was just nice to be in their company once again. To go for walks, to go to the cinema, to walk along the beach, to meet their young people (Who are a really nice lively bunch!), to just sitting in their house...i've really enjoyed it

I tunred into a right chicken today, or maybe the whole week. There's been so much stuff i've tried to say, but i could never find the right words. So today, i ended up writing a little note for Keslton, which Cindy has, sahll we say hidden very well, and is going to give it to him tomorrow!

But it has been a rather good week, so glad they let me visit :)
Good times!

Best Friends..

2009-07-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

I have talked with a client a lot recentley about how her friend Sheila is always there, comes round every monday night without fail, no mattwer rain or snow...this little thing got me thinking.
Thinking about what Catherine said when she visited me the other week, that officership can be lonely, that the friends you have back at home, you wont see that much, the only good friends you'll have around you are officers.
This thought for some reason is starting to worry me. I love my friends to pieces, and have such amazing times with them, and i like the fact that when they come home, we all meet up, the fact i can go and visit them when i can, and the thought of not getting to do that, not having those friends around me, is honestly really starting to scare me. I don't know how i'll cope.
I know it's a sacrifice, and that God's called me,so God'll look after me, but, i just can't seem to get my head around it.
I don't want to leave them all.
That's going to be the hardest thing for me.
I love you guys! ♥xox

i miss you!

2009-06-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

I know i'll never get over it, that would never happen. But i feel like a little 4 year old, that little 4 year old, replaying those moments of the 2nd November 1992 in my head, and it's forever printed in my memory...like a photograph...i can remember everything.
Sometimes i wish i just stayed upstairs, and never saw him, i thought not seeing him would make it easier.
Theres just things that you just think 'he should be here', like, for Grace and my graduation, grace's wedding, little leighton arriving, me and training college...he should be here for all this. I turned 21 a month ago, he should've been here for that.
Yeah, i'm used to him not being here, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I wish one of my earliest memories wasn't that day, i just wish he was here.
I just miss him so much :(

...

2009-05-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

I finally managed my interview with Aberdeenshire council, just waiting to hear if i've been successful. I'm really hoping i do though. I always said i'd never leave crossroads if i got another Job, people told me to wait and see as it may not be possible to keep it on.

Now, i love working for Crossroads. I love that i get to work with people, to help people, to be here for people, to just be someone to yap to for an hour...but there's one client in the morning, it's more so the person i work with, that fro the last few weeks things have gotten really uncomfortable for me to be there. I'm not sure if it shows, but i certainly feel less confident walking in that house each morning. The thing, the person i work with is really friendly with the kids mum, so if i said anything, i'd be worried i may loose my 5 hours there, and i need the money, but the kid is also very lovely. I just don't know what to do.

On another note - Candidate interview next monday night, which is starting to scare me a little. Who knows if i know that we're going to be touching the topic of entry years, and with me and my heart and head setteled on going next year...i don't know what they'll say.

God cares..

2009-05-02T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have this little bear that i got from someone very special to me, the bear is holding a heart that says"God cares". I have it on my desk aside my somputer, because i sit there quite a bit and it's a nice reminder.

Things are a little heavy going just now.

I have a few candidate things to finish off before my interview in June, i have a lot of extra hours at work at the minute with a workmate being off looking after her mum, i have leighton staying this weekend while Grace and George are away to southport, candidate sunday next week, and family things.

But more so, it should have been my dad's 52nd birthday yesterday. Now, it certainly doesn't get easier, but you learn to live. Well yesterday morning, i tried to tell Leighton about Dad, i've done this before, many times, but he'd never look at the pictures, well yesterday morning he did look, and he just looked at him. All i said was, "This is your granda Raymond" and since then, i've been walking around trying to get my head around it all, that my dad would be a granda, be barely got the chance to be our Dad.

I always wander what he'd be like.
I remember little things, little stories. ♥
I just miss him so much.

xx♥xx

"There's a hero if you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are.
There's an answer if you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know will melt away

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.
yeah yeah

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.

It's a long road when you face the world alone;
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold.
You can find love if you search within your self
and the emptiness you felt will disappear.

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.

oh....Lord knows dreams are hard to follow,
But don't let anyone tear them away.
Just Hold on, there will be tomorrow,
In time you'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you
that a hero lies in ... you
mmmm that a hero lies in.....you."
Mariah Carey
♥

...

2009-04-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
♥

Thursday!

2009-04-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

Today started off really bad.
I had thee worst hour at work this morning,and i just couldn't face anybody.
The clients i had after Ross, shocked me. The lady that i usally just take around peterhead to help with her shopping, well we actually had a nice talk, and the hours past really quick, the next lad is lovely and it's aways a pleasure just to sit with her.

But i just wanted to be alone today, which is very hard when you are a carer.

I had a meeting with Matthew this afternoon, which i say was very helpful and i think we make good progess on things.

Had an hour free, which was really nice because Nan, Grace, George and Leighton were round for supper. Leighton is just such anamazing wee boy, he could make you smile no matter how you were feeling.So i'm really glad i got a chance to get a hug from him earlier and see him laugh & giggle! =) ♥

Then had the tuesday club (On a thursday, talk about conusing,lol)

And that has been the rundown of my thursday!

Leighton Raymond Geddes, 4 months & 3 weeks.

2009-04-21T13:49:00.001-07:00

Smiles & Giggles =)

Leighton playin with Auntie sam's bear KS! :p

New clothes from Auntie Sam!

Leigthon and Auntie Sam ♥

2009-04-09T06:33:00.000-07:00

I really love my work. Especially on days when you just can't be bothered, because there is always something that happens, to make you feel so much better, especially working with Neale. Since it's the holidays, i've been with him in the afternoon instead of the evening, and we've talked and walked, and laughed and joked. It's been really nice.

With the holidays we have our teenage club on mondays and kids club on wednesdays. Monday was really good. Wehn wednesday came though, i woke up feeling so horrible;sore head,sore throat, blocked nose, the lot, that day i had to get through getting Ross ready;showered, milk and medicine sorted, bed made, and dishes washed and put away, then i had kids club; i was a bodyguard for one of the kids who liked to run out of the community centre and attacked by the same kid.

I still love my work though.

At the minute i'm trying to write a sermon for Candidate sunday on the 10th May. I've got a few things down, but i just can't seem to find the right words, or what God is telling me. I'll blog it when i'm done though.

Going to watch the passion of the Christ tonight, since it's Holy Week.

2009-01-13T01:22:00.000-08:00

Hello 2009!

You know, my first thoughts as the clock struck 12 were, "Oh me, i'm going to London next year" - Now that was scary.

This last weekend though, has brought be back down with a great big thud. I got feedback back from the meeting i led in December, yeah it was good feedback, well, positive critical feedback as my old tutor would say. I needed it though, i needed someone to tell me what they would like me to me doing. Not exactly telling me what to do, but giving me ideas. Like doing a sermon once a month, and to get help with public speaking...I think these are good ideas. But if it was leading the meeting i struggled with, would it not be better if i did a whole meeting every couple of months?...that way, i know what the meetings about, then i can maybe deliever the meeting a bit better. Just a few thoughts really.

We're still waiting for my Gran's test results, i really hope she's okay! She was telling mum that she has this sist, so we're just waiting to hear from her if it's cancerous or not! (Hopefully it's not!)

So this year, is going to be a busy one.
With work hours hopefully increasing soon, Spending time with Leighton, Visiting Gemma and Laura, Getting down to Plymouth, and all my candidate stuff.

2008-12-08T03:39:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a week.

I got a gorgeous wee Nephew at half 12, on the 4th of December :)

Me with my nephew, Leighton <3

It was a bit of an emotional day too, with my dad and two of my Grandads no longer here, but you know, when i saw him, my face lit up and i couldn't stop smiling. I still think i smile 24/7.

He's just the best.
He sucked my finger on friday, when he was crying and opened his eyes and looked right at me, it was just an amazing time. I just love him <3

Pictures are on Bebo, have a wee lookie :)

someday, i'll wish upon a star..<3

2008-11-08T14:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, i wish it was different.
I wish. I just wish.

Last weekend was a really bad one. It was 16 years to my dad, so Grace and i headed to his grave to give it a clean, and put in some roses.

I always thought that it would get easier to life with when i was older, but really, it's a little harder - you want them around to go throught the happy times with you, your graduation (which is on monday) Graces 1st baby, his first grandchild. I want him around. And thats the hard part.

Yes, i've been blessed you have such an amazing Adopted Dad, or so i call him, in my life over these las couple of years..but he's now moved too...they both are watching from a distance...least i can still talk to my adopted dad though.

And, i don't think my adopted parents know just how much they mean to me. So, if you are both reading - I love you both! *Hugs*

the life of sam...

2008-08-25T03:24:00.000-07:00

I have no clue where to start....

When we arrived back from Africa, i knew the next thing i had to do was to find a Job.
So, i've been at the Job centre quite a bit, I've became an expert in filling in application froms, I've had 5 Job interviews, 4 on the same week, 2 on the same day....I rejected a 10 hour cleaning job in the hope that one of the three full time ones would get back to me, luckily, the post arrived on saturday morning with a letter from Crossroads caring Scotland offering me the position of Care Attendant. :) Yay!! They do kids clubs every saturday, and during the summer and October holidays - Hopefully i'll get a chance at that :).

But in amongst all that...my uncle Alan phoned one evening last week (I now think they should call more regularrly, because when they randomly call, you know something is up)...and i was right. This time, it was my Grandma. She has smoked all her life, and has never ever had any health problems, and so this was sort of out of the blue, and shocked us all, and worried us. So with phone calls going from Peterhead to Greenock, we find out my Grandma has a Lung disease, a bloodclot leg, has low oxygen in her blood, and might have had a suspicious heart attack...but we're still not sure about that yet. The good news is, she's out of the cronory unit, and is stable, still on Oxygen, and hopefully giving up smoking. Which, to me, was the best news ever. I remember trying to tell her when i was little to stop, now after this, she's going to, and so are some of my cousins. :)

From Job interviews to spending afternoons in the Army hall, trying to do Candidate Assignments - "They key events in the histroy of the Salvation Army", This is actually a really interesting topic, and i've learnt so much, much more than i ever knew before.
I've also been planing Driven for this Sunday...hopefully it goes well.

And, lastly, mum's in Hospital this wednesday, to get an operation on both her feet. Please pray for a healthy and quick recovery. And pray for the family too, especially with my Grandma, and mum in hospital....and Grace, who's like 28 weeks pregnant.

And that is it.

2008-08-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

Thats us back from Tanzania.
I miss my little friends, and their smiles, thier love, and just everything so much.
My body still wakes at 7am for 8am prayers, and by half 10pm, i'm shattered...i wish i was in Africa!

Africa was amazing. Don't know when i shall be back there, but i know it probably wont be in the next two years at least.

I miss Peladia and Prisca :( They were my little girlies.

Today we had the North Scotland Music School festival, which entailed saying Goodbye to two people who have been a big source of strength, a big enouragement and just basially amazing DYO and DCO, but more than that, they've beame family...and lets just say it was an emotional afternoon.

Things wont be the same without them, it all seems weird already...i don't like it very much.
(I'm mving with them - they don't know it...but i am, haha)

College or no college? that is the question....

2008-06-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

So, l was told last Friday that i am not allowed back to College. Which in itself isn't very nice, but when accompained by the following:

- You are not teacher material, and will not be an effective teacher
- You should not have passed your Grade 8, the only reason you passed was because i played the piano and covered up for you, and he didn't notice..really you should have failed. The Grade 8 you got was crap.
- You need to take a year out, discover it is you want to do with your live, grow up then come back. I'm not here to help you grow up.
- You have not shown me you are a cornet player
- You have not shown you'r love for the Cornet

That last one is good. For the last 12 years, i've spent nearly every Wednesday night for 2 hours at the Salvation Army hall learning a brass instrument. 12 Years...if i hated it i would have given it up before now, i would so not have applied to College to do a music course.

And, i don't see how someone can say you won't be an effective teacher, when the tutor who made that comment has never seen me teach, never at all.
Someone reminded me about Thomas when all this happened last Friday. Thomas being a 14 year old that i'm helping at Band learners, for like the last year and a bit..and he's came on so well, and that makes me so happy.

If i wasn't so much in love with wanting to become a teach with brass, do you really think i'd get a little bit upset when i hear little kids say they're not going to come back because they use too big words, and he doesn't get it...and i can think of many ways to put it across to that age group..

If my tutor only knew...haha, well, by tomorrow she probably will. Withemails flying around, calls being made on my behalf.

I'm just so annoyed.
The condition to get into the second year of the Diploma was : Pass Grade 8..which i have done. Then my tutor turns around and tells me and a friend who passed, with Distinction actually he's not getting back...i didn't get it.
So, basically what she is saying is Grade 8 didn't matter in the first place. (The ones who failed are getting back =/) and all that matters if tara thinks you can do it.
Well, i think i can do it,friends and family think i can do it...and i'm going to fight.
They outcome may not change, i may have to sit think, Pray and work out what God wants me to do these next two years, but if anything, i want tara to know what she said was wrong, and for someone who doesn't have much confidence...which is what she said also, to say that to me, how she thought that was going to help i don't know.

Grade 8

2008-06-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

Woot! Sam has passed, with 71%. I so was not expecting that, but i'm really glad i have passed. So, really, i should be allowed back to college next year, since passing the grade 8 was the condition. Yay! :D

It's funny though. The same happened with my results as last year. I hated and really couldn't play my sonata by Flor Peeters...last year i got 17/20 for the first movement, this year for the second and third movements i got 19/20....Amazing, didn't think i did it justice to be honest.

So, this year i got my Diploma in teaching Cornet & My grade 8.
Next thing is my ATCL (Associate Trinity College London) - Some teaching qualification lol.

God's love, God's love...=)

2008-06-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

"The tide is now flowing, I’m touching the wave,
I hear the loud call of the Mighty to Save;
My faith’s growing bolder, delivered I’ll be;
I plunge ’neath the waters, I plunge ’neath the waters,
I plunge ’neath the waters they roll over me. ..

And now hallelujah the rest of my days, shall galdly be spent in promoting his praise..."
William Booth.

- Nerve wreaking
- Scary
- Exciting
- Both corps saying they'd pray for me
- Promises not to forget
- Giving Kelston & Cindy their farewell present =(
- Hugs
- Wii Challenges
- VF adventures & Banter
- Good comments/Fedback from meetings
- Enjoyable
- Funny

And, i think that maybe sums up my weekend.

Today the Vocational Fellowship, 5 of us and Cindy & Kelston went to two corps: Findochty & Buckie. Leaving aberdeen at 8:45am to get there and prepare everything for the meeting, and set up instruments etc.

It was a very nervous morning, well for me anyways. Having never really taken such a big part in a meeting before: It was my first ever sermon. So basically for the majority of the journey in the morning i was praying.

We got there about 10:15...and the officer was starting to worry i think, since the meeting starts at half 10, haha. But we got there, and the meeting began. Chris lead the meeting to start with and led us in worship then into our prayer time.

Chris did his testimony in both meetings, Christine Sang a solo in both meetings, Craig and Fiona did a drama entitled "Love is..." Fiona leading some worship in the evening, And my sermon in the morning, Craig in the evening - He was good =)

There were a lot of positive comments from the morning meeting in Findochty. A man who couldn't stay for tea and coffee told the officer, who then told us, that he thought it was an 'Inspiration'.

Today was for me, a confirmation of my calling to officership, and a really good experience in all.
I what also an emotional and very draining day..doing a sermon takes a lot out of you..and thats what, i'm now away to sleep.

Farewell No.1

2008-06-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

I really don't like Good byes and Farewells, and i have 3 this month, and all in two weeks.

First one was tonight. Instead of the usual practices from 6 -9, We all, as a corps gathered together to have a Social for Paul, Kim, Megan and A-J. A night filled with challenges, fun, laughter, quizzes, band pieces chosen by Paul, Kim and Megan, and two songster pieces.

During the second Songster piece "He Leadeth Me"..i turned round to Megan to see if she was okay, and moments after, she put out her arms for a hug and started crying :( So we left the hall and sat in the foyer for a while with A-J. But soon after we got called back in for a time of prayer with the 4 of them, which turned into a group hug with Chloe, Megan and I.

It was a good night, in all.
Just very sad.
I don't want them to leave :(

Cindy & Kelston's Farewell next :(
Then Fiona's :(

“God’s Love” Findochty 22nd June

2008-06-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

When I was thinking about the theme for the meeting, and thinking what God wanted me to say, I seen this sticker on a car, saying:

"God loves you! And I am trying"

Then I thought, just for interest, I would see if I could find any more on the internet.

"God loves is being enough for all of us!"

"God loves you whether you like it or not."

There is some truths in these saying and we are going to examine those now…

You see an earthly father’s love can let us down at any time, they can forget important days, they can say things that hurt and upset us, a father may not even have anything to do with their Childs life. At any point, anything could go wrong. Gods love for us is the total opposite, he is there at any and every minute of our lives, knows us each one by name, would never do anything to harm us, he watches over us with a mighty and powerful love. And we’re going to take a look at that love a little later on.

My Dad died when I was 4 years old. And I always thought there was something missing, there was that person missing in my life, someone to guide me, someone else to pick me up when I fell, I missed that someone to just give me a hug when I was hurting. As I grew older, I became more aware of Gods presence in my life, and then things were clearer. It became clearer that even though I no longer had my dad around, that God was my heavenly Father, and he would always be around, no matter how badly I hurt him.

Nothing can compare to the Love of that of Christ Jesus.

John 3: 16 say’s this “For God loved the World; that he gave his one and only son. That we may not perish but have everlasting life”

For the ones who have children, could you imagine having to sacrifice your child? Could you do it?

Abraham went through with sacrificing his son, brought him to the alter, but as God saw how Abraham didn’t hesitate to do as god wished, he let Isaac go. God told Abraham that he would bless him; he would let his children flourish.

Is there anything that God wants you to sacrifice to show how much you love God, or to show God’s love to others? And if there is something you know you have to sacrifice to God, are you ready to do so?

Yes, in the end he didn’t have to, but he was willing. God was willing to give his only son for us, so that we might live.

God won’t cut us off, he won’t give up on us, he could never stop loving us. It says in Lamentations 3 v22: that “The faithfulness of the Lord never ends!” It’s everlasting, ongoing, all sufficient, all-powerful, all that we need.

There’s a song by Brenton Brown that simply says:

“You are the everlasting God

The Everlasting God,

You do not faint,

You won’t go weary.

You’re the defender of the weak,

You comfort those in need,

You lift us up on wings like eagles”

As we were shown earlier in the drama: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance” So, When things are tough and you feel like giving up, God is there, to lift you up again, he says “Don’t be afraid!” He is with you.

God told us as a child in Hebrews 12:5-6...”My child, don’t make light of he Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves and he punishes each one he accepts as his child”

When we were younger, we were maybe told not to leave a certain area when we were out playing, to stay away from certain areas in the house, the cooker for example. The reason we were told these things, the reason for these instructions is to keep us safe and away from any danger.

God’s Love is like that of a Father, an earthly father corrects a child when doing wrong, and always wants the best for their child, and loves them, The same as God, yet he loves us with a more Unconditional Love, nothing we could do could make God love us any less, and nothing can ever separate us from the Love of God.

Unconditional love, but does it really cost us anything? We are told in Lamentations 3::27, that it is best to give yourself to God at an early age, to the yoke of his discipline. So, really, God wants us to give ourselves back to him, to accept him into our lives, and to let him work in us. In Jeremiah 31:3, the lord said to Israel “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing Love I have drawn you to myself!” God’s love is loyal to all the thousands who love him and keep to his commandments.

But, is it enough to say that we love each other? We need to accompany those words with actions. As the old saying says; “Actions speak louder than words!” Verse 30, says “Let them turn the other check to those who strike them, and accept the insults of their enemies” Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so when we stand before God we will be confident.

The song by Celine Dion - Because you love me says these words:

For all the love I’ve found in you,

I’ll be forever thankful,

You’re the one, who held me up,

Never let me fall,

You’re the one who saw me through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak,

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see,

You saw the best there was in me,

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach,

You gave me faith cause you believed,

I’m everything I am,

Because you loved me.

Celine Dion // because you loved me

This song was written about Celine’s dad, and how much of a part he played in her life. She wrote this song after he died, and was just so grateful for his love. These lyrics are true about God too, his love lifts us up, it’s our eyes when we can’t see, he is our strength when we are feeling weak. God saw the very best in us, and he uses us, he uses us for his glory. Everything that we are is all because of God, and his precious gift of Love.

“God Is love, and all you live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect.”

We will never be perfect, but we can strive to be like our heavenly father, and learn from him. God’s gift of love is given to us, and we need to receive that love and give back to him what he deserves, to give our lives back to him, and live for him.

Coming back to our car stickers…I did find another one which sums up all that we have been looking at about God’s love. God the father, sent his only son into this world, because he loves us so much, and God wanted the world to see how much he loved us. The sticker says this:

"Jesus did not come to make God's love possible, but to make God's love visible"

I want to leave you with a few questions this morning..

Have you experienced this love from God?

Have you received God’s love in your heart for yourself?

We are going to listen to Christine as she brings us a solo entitled how deep the father's love for us. While Christine is singing some pictures will appear on the screen showing how God made his love visible through Jesus." In this time, I would encourage you to respond to that love. Maybe at our place of prayer - here at the front of the hall. Maybe where you are... But respond and receive that love again today..

God's Love. Sermon for next sunday so far....

2008-06-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

“God’s Love” Findochty 22^nd June

Introduction: An earthly father’s love can let us down at any time, they can forget important days, they can say things that hurt and upset us, a father may not even have anything to do with their Childs life. At any point, anything could go wrong. Gods love for us is the total opposite, he is there at any and every minute of our lives, knows us each one by name, would never do anything to harm us, he watches over us with a mighty and powerful love. And we’re going to take a look at that love a little later on.

(maybe something about my own experience?...)

Nothing can compare to the Love of that of Christ Jesus.

John 3: 16 say’s this “For God loved the World; that he gave his one and only son. That we may not perish but have everlasting life”

For the ones who have children, could you imagine having to sacrifice your child? Could you do it?

Yes, in the end he didn’t have to, but he was willing. God was willing to give his only son for us, so that we might live.

There’s a song by Chris Tomlin that simply says:

you are the everlasting god

the everlasting god

you do not faint

you won't grow weary.

You're the defender of the weak

you comfort those in need

you lift us up on wings like eagles.

God’s Love is like that of a Father, an earthly father punishes a child when doing wrong, and always wants the best for their child, and loves them, The same as God, yet he loves us with a more Unconditional Love, nothing we could do could make God love us any less, and nothing can ever separate us from the Love of God.

The song by Celine Dion - Because you love me says these words:

For all the love I’ve found in you,

I’ll be forever thankful,

You’re the one, who held me up,

Never let me fall,

You’re the one who saw me through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak,

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see,

You saw the best there was in me,

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach,

You gave me faith cause you believed,

I’m everything I am,

Because you loved me.

Celine Dion // because you loved me

“God Is love, and all you live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect.”

2008-06-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

This last few weeks, have been sorta heavy.

With lots going on, with the candidate front, and college, and family, all together was a bit much.
And yet again, i cried in front of another tutor on Thursday. I'm not liking this trend that's happening.

Thursday i stayed behind after theory to go over my pieces with my tutor, Tara. I knew my pieces weren't all perfect, weren't up to scratch, and it all just too much.
With worrying about things like, money for training college, if i was coming back next year to college, I just cried.
Tara was nice about it all though, however she did say that "I should think about what I want to do.." she feels like I've fallen into the music category and that i should take a year out, and i could always come back another year.
That being the point though, i don't really have another year. This next year was meant to be college in Aberdeen, finishing my Diploma, the year after - Work! So i have no clue what i'm doing.

Ideas that were thrown to me by Mark Herbert:
- Shadow Matthew and Debbie
- A month of leading Driven
- Visit a corps in England for a visit (Which is going to be Plymouth)

Was thinking that if maybe i don't get back into college, i got get a job, and maybe do some of the above, minus the england corps, that's not going to be till next year, January/February time.

But, it's the holidays now, and I'm enjoying it :)
And i have my first Candidate Fund raiser on Saturday - Sponsored Walk & BBQ :)

Candidates Interview

2008-06-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

Candidates Interview tomorrow.

Sort of nervous and worried about it. But it should be okay, i guess.
I've just been printing out Thoughts that i did for the youth meeting not long ago and my prayers from during the youth re:treat this past weekend, just so they can see what I've been doing.
Should maybe take along my sermon so far, but hmm, not sure.

Interview with the usual Candidates board (Minus Catherine i think) and joining us is Mark Herbert, Territorial Candidates Direcor.

"Through God i can do much much more than i could ever imagine"
Ephesians 3:20.

In Christ Alone by Newsboys

2008-05-28T08:38:00.001-07:00

It's near candidates interviews again, and this song just reminds me that it's all in God's hands.

Even though this next interview is scaring me already. Think it may be the fact that Mark Herbert, Territorial Candidates Director is going to be conducting it, that alone sounds scary.

2008-05-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was such an amazing day, i don't know where to start.

I came home last night after Driven, and something from that day had stayed with me.
Whether it was the fact that yesterday was on the last things i'll do with Cindy and Kelston being there, whether it was the fact i was shown how supportive my corps actually are, or things that were said and done, whatever it was, maybe all of thee above. Yesterday was just a very very special day to me.

Being Candidates day, i was taking part. Both meetings i was involved in the Prayer time. Morning i was involved in the responsive prayer, along with Kelston and CIndy, and in the evening, I led the prayer time. Something i hadn't done before, and something i was very worried about, but it went really well.

Before the meeting started, Kelston was asking me if my prayer time was all sorted, and how i was feeling about that, then said he was going to interview me, just to let people know whats been going on, and then they were going to pray for me. The interview went well, but it was when we invited people to stand around me, and pray for me, then the whole congregation were on their feet, was very emotional. As kelston finished praying i looked around with tears falling down my face to see everyone, which ended up with more tears. I love my corps so much <3

I remember standing on the platform when Kelston, when he said this: "Look after her, I may be in Plymouth but I'll be watching from a distance" - That was the sweetest thing i had heard in a long time.

And, my song that i picked for the songsters was "I'll Not Turn Back!" and it was actually sang twice that day - morning and back. Very moving song. In the morning it was used as part of the response. We were given little strips of blue ribbon and we, if we wanted, could tie them to a fishing net, to show that we'd left that something behind that was getting in our way of giving up and not turning back.

All in all, a really good day.
But if that was just everyone supporting me at the start of this journey, i don't want to see what it's going to be like when i actually leave, haha!

Lots of hugs, support and smiles yesterday =]

I'll Not Turn back, What ever it may cost, I'm called to live, to love and save the lost!
♥

Smile =]

2008-05-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

Things that made me smile recently...

- Two little kids playing peek a boo on the bus this morning, was sweet.
- Spending time with my college friends, and taking random pictures.
- Playing Frisbe, was great fun.
- Thinking about tuesdays meeting with Matthew and Kelston, haha! (you had to be there)
- Tara's suggestions for Keith instead of swearing - Coconut Fudge.
- Me cool paper wedding ring
- knowing that it's only 18 days till my summer holidays start
- Knowing the Madeleine and Gemma are home soon. And Madeleine is home for good this time :)
- Knowing i'm going to be an Aunty in November
- And knowing that Jesus love me <3

So, if you forget about exams, life is great at the moment! :)

Imagine...you can be a hero!

2008-05-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

It was all getting less scary, then today comes and scares me a bit more. If that made any sense?

Candidates Interview with the Candidate board and Mark Herbert.

I had a meeting with Kelston and Matthew today though, that was good!

Kelston read parts from the Local Officers forms about me, read parts from the feedback from the candidates board on my 1st interview. They all see potential in me to be a good officer, and that it was a positive and confident 1st interview.

The things that were said today, were very sweet.

"So now i hold on to your plans for my future
A future that's dressed in the veil of your love
Protecting my eyes from the trials of tomorrow
So today can be blessed with the power of your love
No, I can't seem to hide from your love"
Annika Scutt <3
(Think i may use this in my sermon too)

(I got her album for my birthday, and I'm totally in love with it!)

"I'll not turn back
whatever it may cost
I'm called to live, to love and save the lost,
I'll not turn back,
I'm called to live, to love and save the lost!"

This song twice in one day, oh me! Love it though, the words are becoming more real to me each day while i'm on this journey. They mean a lot to me.

Meet Baby Geddes!

2008-05-19T03:32:00.000-07:00

Best news i have had in a while.... I'm going to be an Aunty :)

2008-05-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

My friends amaze me more than ever.

Today and yesterday haven't been the best days. With Nan not looking too great, college work pilling up, Sermons for Vocational Fellowship, Candidate Sunday to help organize, and much more, including loosing music for my grade 8 exam.

So i went into college today, not knowing what to expect. But my friends at college made me laugh and smile so much today, and then i had a nice meeting with the Bennett's, and then to top it all off, I just had a really nice conversation with Madeleine.

It was the usual,'have you got any gossip' line, but it lead on to the topic of me going to London so i had to explain all that. And I've always known mads to be very understanding, and very open minded, but tonight she just amazed me. She was asking all sort of questions and things. It was nice, nice to chat about it with her.

My mum told me last night, that if things were pilling up, and i feel like sort of top heavy right now, then maybe get a few things out of the way. Like my sermon she said, but i still don't know what to write, i need time to sit down and think that over. Which may be a task for tomorrow or Thursday night. I was sitting quietly in bible study as i usually do, taking it all in, thinking to myself when i glanced at me trainer and got a reminder from one of my favourite songs; "I'll Not turn back!"

No you're not defeated
And soon you'll be smiling once again
Then you won't have to feel it
Let it go with the wind
Time passes us by
And know that you're allowed to cry

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on (whoa) and be strong
(hang on hang on) Be strong
Hold on and be strong

Delta Goodrem - Be Strong

Banter with Rachel.

2008-05-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

Today went better than i thought it would have.
Though, i'm still loving God's sense of humour, i hate talky things.

Sam's Friday:
Presentation on the Cornet (Principles of Teaching class, AM)
Cornet lesson - Canceled
Lunch - With Rachie ♥ =]
Home.
Supper.
Time with Mum ♥
Some Superman ♥

Rachel and I had a lovely chat this afternoon. And it made me realize how much i have missed her. She was like a little sister to me, and when they got their farewell orders it made me awfully sad. Yeah, they only got moved an hour away, but i never did see her as much. So, today was nice. Today we meet for lunch and talked about anything and everything, about the first day we meet, Army stuff, School / College, Candidate stuff, London, Uni's, Families....and the list goes on.

And she's my only visitor coming to see me in London so far that isn't family :)

She is still like a little sister. I love my Rachie ♥ xxxx
(That is all.)

samanthaisms....

2008-05-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

"Feeling Good,
Feeling good,
i got love in my heart and my soul,
and i feel good,
there's joy down in my sould i can't explain,
Oh, i gotta tell everybody,
I feel good"

=] memories of music school are floating around in my head right now.

"Close to me,
every moment of my life
I feel his presence guarding me
as shadows turn to night
close to me
every moment he is there..."

<3
Good times!

Samanthaism, is what Paul (my cornet tutor) calls the things that go on inside my head whilst playing the cornet. For example, when everything is actually going really well, but for some reason, i think "oh, it's going well..i'll just make a mistake!"...who knows, but lets say whenever it comes up, Paul's expression, and movement is very entertaining in itself.

Updates on the sermon for June..
Lamentations 3 v 22 - 33

Intro to theme: Valentines day, Brotherly/sisterly love... There's a love that we can always rely on, and that's god's love.

Point 1: Faithful Love of God...
- "Never Ends"
- "Great is his faithfulness"
- Bible verse, Love is patient, love is kind
- Song; "Oh Love that will not let me go..."

Point 2: - Not sure about this point

Point 3: God's Love In Action
- 1 John 3 v 18 - 19
- God live in us, so therefore so does his love...we cannot separate the two
- Being a helping hand...

And some conclusion.

And that is my notes so far, on my 1st ever sermon.

tomorrow...

2008-04-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

I don't really fancy going to college tomorrow =[

What i do fancy doing however is, a trip to Aberdeen and to Starbucks, A nice walk in the lovely graveyard, come home early, transfer money for Africa, go buy some flowers, pay a visit to Mr Birthday Boy/Man , come home and watch Superman....but i can't!

Maybe i could pop into town after college though...late night shopping on Thursdays.

So, for tomorrow...Happy Birthday Dad, 51...Old Man! I miss you =[

God's Love...

2008-04-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

Is the theme of the Vocational Fellowship meeting for our mission weekend in June.

And, Kelston's invited me to prepare a sermon for the Sunday morning in Findochty. Based on God's Love.

bible passage - Lamentation 3 v22-32...(i think, not set yet).
Songs: God's love is Wonderful.

When i got the letter from Kelston, i was in tears, simply because I don't like doing talky things, which most people know, but I've came round to it, and it'll get my first sermon over with quickly i guess, and plus, i have no reason to be scared..God called me to be an officer, so therefore he will supply all my needs for that day.

The End.

Spiritual Gifts...

2008-04-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

I have just been cleaning out my room, and found the spiritual gift quiz we got given to do again in a few months, and this time it's come out as this:

Being the top three:
- Service to Society
- Pastoral
- Teaching

Only one new one there, the society one. Well, teaching was one of my low one back in January, but through helping out with band learners, i think it's been a big help.

Testify to Love

2008-04-22T09:16:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about the Army actually.
I've had interesting conversations, the one that has stuck with me being the one i had with my doctor.

He was asking me what i was going to do with my life etc, and i said music, and then I'm off to London to the Salvation Army training college. And his response: "Oh wow, that's really good"....then we went on to say..."I've always had a soft spot for the Army, they're the ones who seem to help people before they get all preachy at them!" And it made me think, think of how much we are doing to help those people who are in need in the world, but more so, in our own town.

We give out food parcels, the doors open...etc etc, but could we maybe be doing more to help?

Like, every since i was working in Murdoch Allan's and was stuck washing dishes, i actually had a lot of time to think. And what seemed to somehow get into my head was a soup kitchen, and it's now something, after thinking about it, i would really really like to be involved in very much.
Maybe before i Jet of to London i'll get that chance. Would be nice.

Other than that, I've been doing some reading. Suggested reading for candidates, still reading I'll fight, trying my best to finish it for tomorrow and give it back to matthew and maybe start reading another one.

...."I'f i'm not called to stay maybe i should go!" -I'll Fight by Phil Wall.

For as long as i shall live i will Testify to Love ♥

...

2008-04-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

The past week, has been sort of scary.

Scary because i had a cornet prelim which i wasn't ready for, a thought to prepare for church on Sunday night that scared me to death, then when i thought it was all over, i had to say my testimony whilst out with the Songsters on Monday night.

Gotta love God's sense of humour. Because, for someone who doesn't have the confidence to stand up and talk, like these things, it has been a very emotional week.

But i did it, i got through it. And it's all part of the training, as everyone has kept telling me.

But last night, someone from me at church told me that through the last six months everything that I've done talky wise that I've gained more confidence and that I'm going to be a good officer.
I seem to be hearing those few words a lot right now :"You'll make a great/good officer".

All this, like officership, has constantly been on my mind lately. 2 years to go now!

My Thought!

2008-04-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 11 shows us some great examples of faith, and how God used the people of that day. These people in Hebrews, like Sarah, Noah, Enoch, Abraham, they all did something that was thought to be the impossible. With God all things are possible, which is why we have our faith. Faith to be sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. We need our faith to be invincible, Hebrews 11 v 1.

From verses 3 – 31, most of them start with “It was by faith”, by faith that these people let God use them and did things that in that day seemed impossible.

I am called to be an officer, and through that calling God may ask me to do some things that I Samantha Davies can’t do, but with by acts of Faith and by the Holy Spirit I can do what God wants me to do. I wasn’t very keen on doing this tonight, because I don’t really have the confidence for speaking in public, but through prayer, faith and placing my trust in the Lord, God will provide the confidence that I need.

In Hebrews 10 v 35 it says “So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, Remember the great reward it brings you!”

This verse makes me think of college at the minute. It gives me reassurance to not give up. I had a prelim the other day for my grade 8 cornet exam, and let’s just say it didn’t go very well. I went into my prelim with so much on my mind that I broke down into tears. Through that first half hour my tutor was very helpful, and reminded me that I could do my grade 8, and when I told her what I was talking about tonight and said I didn’t know what to say, she started laughing, I had just explained to her a situation that I could not do unless I placed my faith in God and believed in him.

It’s by faith & the Holy Spirit within them that they could believe and do what God was asking of them. This is how we are invincible, by faith and by having the Holy Spirit living and working with in us.

When we become invincible we don't like to see people hurt, people gossiped about, people left out. We want to make a difference. We want to use that special power inside us. And you can have these special powers. Power to love the unlovable, befriend the friendless. Give hope to the hopeless. That special power is the Holy Spirit.

Hebrews 11 v 39 – 40 says this: “³⁹These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. ⁴⁰God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

Therefore together with God, we are invincible.

Don't give up!

2008-04-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

Fridays cornet prelim didn't go too well. I got in there and broke down in tears in front of my tutor, but if you put aside all the music and the whole grade 8, it was actually a nice half hour, was nice to talk to someone who doesn't know me that well, do wasn't directly involved with all that's been getting me down. Dorothy has been amazing recently, and I'm glad she was so supportive and interested yesterday. She's ace =]

And Cindy and Kelston have again been a great support recently, through cards, hugs and texts, they've made things seem less scary. They have given me some good advice;They've just been amazing ♥ I wish they weren't moving in August, I'm really going to miss them =[

Imagine...

2008-03-10T08:11:00.001-07:00

Imagine your life different. Well that's what we were all doing at the weekend.

I was off at the training college for the weekend, with Cindy, Kelston, Christine, Chris and Phillip.

The weekend started off on Saturday morning for me anyways, as i got ready to leave, and caught the train from Laura's to Johnstone, where my uncle dropped me off at Glasgow airport.
I was flying from Glasgow, everyone else from Aberdeen, but their flight was delayed, so i was finding things to amuse myself with for three hours.

They arrived just after 5, and then we all hopped onto and off of trains, then arrived at the college, dumped our things then went to get some food. While on this bus, cindy decided to do my hair for me, so i was then walking round London with piggy tails. We went to this little Chinese place, was nice, then went for a walk round London.

We arrived back at the college with millies cookies and sweets, and Christine and i had Tea/Coffee, and the boys came and joined us before they decided to go watch the football and go on their own little tour of the basement.

Sunday went off to a good start, we were all up in time, and ready for 9. But i realized my fringe was longer than the other side, so, Cindy gave me a haircut, lol.

From 10 till half 10, we had refreshments in the dining room, followed by worship from half 10 till just after 12. Which was really nice. It was full of Cadets' choir, drama's, the worship band, and walking around shaking hands with everyone. A song they sang was this:

what can i do but thank you
what can i do but give my life to you

Hallelujah, hallelujah
What can I do but praise You,
everyday make everything I do a hallelujah
A hallelujah, hallelujah

We all then pilled into the dining room for lunch, then had a tour of the college.
Then our three sessions: Essential, a short time experience and a glimpse of college life. Unfortunately we never got to the last one, because we had to go to the airport. But all in all, it was a really good weekend.
Even if my phone battery died Saturday evening. Was a good weekend.

Back from the training college!

2008-03-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

Too much travelling. I'm shattered.
But, London was well worth it.
And the training college is beautiful. Was a good weekend.
Will blog tomorrow in more detail. But for now, i'm off to bed.

P.S - Cindy gave me a hair cut this morning, lol!

I'll not turn back

2008-02-14T02:01:00.000-08:00

Lyrics are two posts down if you want to read them again.
The songsters sang this song last night, and it means so much to me. Means so much to me because it reminds me and makes me think about officership, reminds me of certain people, and is just a great song in itself. Well done Mr John Gowans :)
And as Hazel said "This is a weepy one"...i sat there recording the songsters, but at the end i had to run to the toilets.

"If doors should close, then other doors will open"...."I'm called to live, to love and save the lost"

And a little note to the Bennett's if you're reading this. Hope you're having a lovely holiday, and enjoying time with your family =]

I had to do the report about the youth rally for the salvationist. I sent it to Kelston yesterday, who said i could be a journalist, haha. Got to send the salvationist a bit more details and it should be in next Sunday.

Moves are out.

2008-02-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

Got the text this morning.
Cindy & Kelston are moving to Plymouth. I'm gutted.

Those two have became like family to me. Kelston's been like the dad i lost when i was little.
I'll miss them loads. =[

But i know that Plymouth are so lucky to be getting them as officers. And i know it's for the best, and God will take care of them.

Oh, and to top it off, Fiona is moving too. Going to Bolton. Leaves two days after our Africa trip.

I actually meet Fiona for lunch today. Had a lovely 2 and a half hour chat, and coffee, was a good laugh! =]

I'll not turn back!

2008-02-03T14:39:00.001-08:00

If crosses come, if it should cost me dearly,
To be the servant of my Servant Lord,
If darkness falls around the path of duty,
And men despise the Saviour I've adored.

I'll not turn back, whatever it may cost
I'm called to live, to love and save the cost
I'll not turn back, whatever it may cost,
I'm called to live, to love and save the lost

If doors should close, then other doors will open,
The word of God can never be contained,
His love cannot be finally frustrated,
By narrow minds or Prison bars restrained

I'll not turn back, whatever it may cost
I'm called to live, to love and save the cost
I'll not turn back, whatever it may cost,
I'm called to live, to love and save the lost

If Tears should fall, If i am called to suffer,
If all i love men should deface, defame,
I'll not deny the One that i have followed,
Nor be ashamed to bear my Master's name

I'll not turn back, whatever it may cost
I'm called to live, to love and save the cost
I'll not turn back, whatever it may cost,
I'm called to live, to love and save the lost

- John Gowans

Spiritual gifts

2008-01-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

"But i will keep on hoping for your help;
I will praise you more and more.
I will tell everyone about your
righteousness
All day long I will proclaim your
saving power,
though i am not skilled with words.
I will praise your mighty deeds.
O sovereign Lord.
I will tell everyone that you alone
are just."
Psalm 71 v 14-16

After Vocational Fellowship, i've been doing a lot of thinking, and spending like a lot of time reading my Bible, and time in prayer. Time with God, asking him to help me, asking him to give me the courage and strength to explore the spiritual gifts that he's been laying on my heart since Friday night.

And all that, for some reason, led me to the bible study tonight. Usually i wouldn't go unless someone was coming with me, or back when laura and i used to go on Tuesday nights. But yesterday and today, i've left something different. Like something within myself has went all calm, and like i knew i needed to be at that Bible study for some reason.

On Friday night, Kelston prayed that we'd each get a conformation of God's call on our life. And without thinking, like totally forgetting all weekend he had prayed that prayer, got to church on Sunday morning. Matthew's illustration that morning was, what do you want to be when you grow up?.Then he turned it round by saying that sometimes God has other plans for our lives and that we basically can't run from that. That, with what someone reminded us all on Friday night..."God will equip you with whatever you need, in his time".

So, thats the run down of my life right now. I am exploring the spiritual gift of preaching.
And on top of that, i'm trying to get myself ready for my teaching exams these next few weeks.

The run down of my 1st Candidates Interview

2008-01-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

What would I do if I got sent to a Corps that didn’t have a brass band? I have no clue to be honest.

I am called to be a Salvation Army Officer so maybe it would be okay. God’s not called me to be a Band Master, so if I did get sent to a corps without one, I should be okay about it.

So, I have survived my 1^st Candidates interview. And the above was one Question I got asked. The interview went quite well. Better than I thought. And by the time I got to DHQ, I managed to get myself together and stop crying. Which was good.

Lots of questions were asked. Like how I ended up in an interview talking about wanting to become an officer, what makes the Salvation Army any different from any other church, if I had to choose between working in a church of Scotland Baptist or Army who would I chose and why, If I wanted to do corps work. Then I got given the ‘Towards officership’ document. This is filled with assignments and check lists. which will help me and get me ready for college in the next two years.

And do end with the DC said this “Well, I think we’ll take you on to the next step. So you’ll come back for another interview in six months”

All in all, it was good.
=]

A Christmas Present!

2007-12-25T04:55:00.000-08:00

Sunday night, my DYO had a wee talk to me, and last night, i got this Christmas present form my officer.

So, my first official Candidates interview is on the 7th of January, 7pm at DHQ. With Martin Hill, Kelston, Matthew and Catherine.
I will be getting introduced to the towards officership document, which is going to help me with my development towards training college.

Today's been a good day so far, got nice presents, and I'm looking forward to spending time with my family <3
Have a lovely Christmas Everyone.
Much Love, Sam xox

My Generation

2007-12-16T14:09:00.000-08:00

i want to serve the purpose of god
in my generation
I want to serve the purpose of God
While i am alive
I want to give my life
for something that will last forever
Oh i Delight, i delight to do you will

What is on your heart
show me what to do
let me know your will
and i will follow you
<3

Those words were brought up in Driven tonight, and it reminded me of the years when i was at Music school. They were always printed on the first page of the weeks activities and timetable. Then i remembered that i sang this song a few weeks back, and they meant a lot to me, they still do.
These words helped me through wen i doubted officership, when i doubted in myself being an officer. So by simply singing those words tonight, it just meant a lot. It was a nice night at driven tonight, nice chats, and yeah, i really liked it.

Matthew asked us tonight you should we go to first, you should we reach out to type thing, and all i could think of were William Booths word: "Go for souls, and go for the worst!"

And to end of my Sunday night, I'm away to spend time with my mum :)

I do promise - My Gold helping

2007-12-15T16:09:00.000-08:00

It was our last Vocational Fellowship of the year last night, and it was a really good night.

The night started off with managing to arrive at Cindy and Kelston's on my own, and surprising them by knocking on the door, haha, they were impressed. Since i turned up about two hours early, we had a nice wee blether, gave them some christmas pressies, watched TV and played a quick game of Buzz before we left for the Christmas Meal.
The Christmas meal was this wee, like warm cottage type place, and i loved it. We had a nice meal, good chats, shared some laughs then headed back to Kelston & Cindy's for desert, and for some fellowship. Which was really good. We talked about making resolutions, and how we hardly ever keep keep them. And instead, if we want to make some resolutions this year, to try looking at Romans 12: 1 -3., then we spent some time in prayer.

That all finished about 10, and we all left at 11. Which left us all with an hour, which was actually a really nice hour. I sat with Cal, Chris, Tim, and Phillip and just to chat with them, and laugh with them, something aout it just clicked. I liked it, was good fun.

Roll on next year, good things in store for VF by the sounds of it =]

Christmas Bells

2007-12-12T12:12:00.000-08:00

Last Friday night was our usual Divisional Christmas carol service, this year, in Fraserburgh.

After college that day, i quickly headed into town, jumped on a bus and tried to find my way to cindy and kelston's and trying not to get lost. Well, that didn't really happen, because i got off at the wrong stop and Kelston came out looking for me once again. (I just hope i get off at the right stop this Friday) Arrived at theirs and got some lovely food. Had a nice chat with Cindy, then the three of us made our way to fraserburgh.

We arrived like well over an hour early because kelston had to sett some things up, so i spent some time with little George <3

This was the first Divisional carol service that i have not took part in for a long time, so it was nice just to sit back and relax for once. To actually hear an army band for once, and not just hear yourself play, and listening to the Gospel choir and not just hearing yourself sing, was great. For some reason, it just made the whole night really good. I don't know how to explain it., but just listening for once, and enjoying it, was amazing.

=]

And now, i'm in the middle of some lovely exams at college. 1 down and 2 to go. One three hour theory exam tomorrow morning, which i am away to study for, and a 10 minute presentation on my views on anything to do with teaching music you could possibly think of. Lovely.

But to top the exams week off, i get a bursary, so Christmas shopping is getting done on Friday afternoon, then I'm going to Cindy & Kelston's a little bit early, helping them with the food, then i have VF Christmas Feast =] yaaay! Can't wait

The joy of candidaticy

2007-11-29T11:40:00.000-08:00

I don't like this word official anymore. It's got some scary thoughts to it, well for me anyway.

In just about under 6 weeks, i shall be having my first 'Official' Candidates interview at DHQ, with Kelston, Matthew and the DC. Wearing Uniform. Like official. The reason why everything is happening so quickly, is that Kelston feels that nothing has really happened, and if i want to go in three years, they need to start interviews.
Oh, and my after that my next step is to fill in registration forms. Which makes it all final, and it's all sounding far too scary, and exciting. But at the same time, i need some time to get my head around this.

Anyway. Christmas is coming which means the following:

7th - Divisional Carol Service
14th - Vocational Fellowship Christmas feast, at Kelston & Cindy's
15th - The Greenock bunch are up <33
17th - Gig at the Blue Lamp, Aberdeen
- Laura home (?)
18th - Day off (?)
21st - Band at harbour for the lights thingy (like last year)
- YP workers Christmas meal
22nd - Madeleine is home =]
- Gemma is home =]
- Driven Christmas meal
24th - Working (?)
-Watch night service =]
25th - Christmas Day, Hatton (?) <3 =]

Youth Councils! <3

2007-11-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

It was youth councils this weekend, and I've been looking forward to it for a long time, because i missed last years, and it's always good to meet up with everyone.

The whole theme of the weekend was 'HEROES!'. Saturday night was Bowling and a social. After bowling we all shard some food, then had a had few songs, and good fun trying to come up with our own superheroes in little groups. Good good fun! Ha ha.
Mark Herbert (Candidates Director) was here this weekend as a speaker, and i thought he was really scary to start with, bad idea telling Fiona that, because she told him, so when he talked to me it was all awkward. But it's okay now.

Today was the day that made me think the most, today was the day that, i don't know, just planted something inside of me that i can't really explain, Even if i tried i wouldn't do it any justice.
This morning, I had to say my testimony about officership. Before the meeting this morning, Kelston asked me if i wanted to pray with them all. So i went out to pray with the band, Russell, Mark & Martin, And Cal. It was a nice way to start the whole day off, and it encouraged me so much.
The meeting went on, and it was nearly time for me to share, after Cal shared his testimony. Which was really good, it's nice to hear how he's getting on, and how God is using him through the essential programme. Then i got up, a little unwilling, to be honest, but kelston handed me the mic, and i just got up there, and done better than i thought. A few people told me i spook really well. But what stuck out to me more, was that, there's this girl i've known since i've been like what, 8 or something. She came up to me after youth councils had ended, gave me a hug, aked me how i was, how i was doing, and then said this "You have given me some hope. I always thought i was too young to do anything!" That girl, my friend, made me smile, made me cry. I am thankful to God for her <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">saturday night, that she has had an experience with god, and is now like on fire for him, and that was so evident today, and yeah. It was nice to see her again!

I had a chat with Mark after tlunch today. Well it was more of a, Samantha come here, from Kelston, to a table with Him, Cindy, the DC, Russell and Mark, ha ha. It was a good chat though. And they're sending the officership training stuff so we can get started with that, and i'm meeting my officers on tuesday afternoon.
Excitment!

' And I will live for all my days
To raise a banner of truth and light
To sing about my saviours love
And the best thing that happened
It was the day I met you

I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus

Well you lifted me from where I was
Set my feet upon a rock
Humbled that you even knew about me
Now I have chosen to believe
Believing that you've chosen me
I was lost but now I've found...'
- Delirios?

My Testimony (Updated)

2007-11-15T14:10:00.001-08:00

It happened at the youth rally this year, but I now see that people were trying to tell me what God had in store for me before then, and I just didn’t listen, and thought there was no way I was doing that.
It was during the evening event at the youth rally, that I just fell to pieces on the inside, this is when it all began to happen. Where God called me to officership. I’ve never had a feeling like it before. The band had just finished playing ‘In Christ alone’, and the line ‘Jesus commands my destiny’ kept going through my head.
The bus journey home that night was interesting. The weather was full gales of rain and snow, and my phone battery had died which meant I couldn’t tell anyone what just happened, and how I was feeling, I couldn’t even tell my youth worker as the rest of my youth group were screaming and all so hyper in the back of the bus. I sat there crying for the majority of the bus journey home, crying & questioning God.
I kept thinking, No way! I can’t do this, I was only 18 years old, and had hardly any experience of life. I kept thinking that I can’t lead people to the lord, but in amongst all my tears and upset, a friend told me…”yes you can. You brought Laura to the army!”
I was scared. I tried my best to block it all out, and it worked, for a while, but it didn’t last though.
One Friday night at Driven (our youth group), the week after the rally, it was all about feeling God’s call & what it was like when it happened & what being silent meant. For me, being silent was just sitting there, with the loud music in the background. There was another few nights that confirmed being called to officership, but I’ll only say one. It was a meeting led by Catherine Wyles, where she talked about how God gives us everything we need, in his time. So the doubts about not being able slowly fade away.

There’s a bible verse that stuck with me during the summer, and it’s Psalm 51 v 13 – 15…”Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise”

Things have changed a lot since February. I’ve been attending the Vocational Fellowship groups, and I’m going to be having meetings with my officers about everything.. I’ve already had a interview at DHQ, but more than anything, I have a year on my heart that God’s been telling me to go, that year being 2010.

To start with it was all scary to think in 3 years, I’ll be in London at Training college. But now that I’ve had time to think about it, it’s becoming more exciting, and I just know that it’s all in God’s hands.

(updated for Youth Councils, as Kelston asked me to share about officership)

I wanna go deeper...

2007-11-10T14:52:00.000-08:00

So, we've all been back for about two full weeks now, and trying to settle back in to your own lifestyle here, and boy it's difficult. So much choice, and it's just well different.
I went to bug a drink at my work today, something to waken me up, and it was gonna cost me £1.29, i just stood there, all i thought of was, how much that is in anfrica, the fact you can just about get 7 bottles of water for that price, it's nuts.

We had a Team Tanzania reunion tonight, which was good fun, was nice to meet up and have a banter with everyone. After we had our meal, we sat on comfy chairs and had a yap about things to do with next year, prices of flights, details of the trip, fund rasising, etc etc, so yes, things are getting started and it's very exciting. I so can't wait to go back <3 Miss it so much.

And in other news, i think i might be meeting up with the officers on tuesday afternoon for a wee chat, not sure what about because i have told them that a few things need changed, but it'll probably cover nearly everything. So i'm looking forward to that, it'll be nice to actually sit down and talk to them, because i've not really had that chance yet.
Was at Dundee for Vocational Fellowiship, and got to have a wee tour round a social centre, where all the homeless stay and learn what things they go through, what the Salvation Army does to help them up to the place where they are ready to move back into the city and look after theirselves. But they were saying last night that, when they move out into the city, the accomodation they will recieve wont be as good as the hostel they have right now.
Please keep Strathmore lodge in your prayers, they have a lot of men, and have about 50 odd staff members for two centres within the city, and they has to be at least two staff members covering at each shift, each day of the year, 52 weeks a year.

The end of vocational fellowship last night was spent in worship, and some of the guys that life there joined us, and that was lovely =] But the thing that hit me deep down, was the song Kelston used, because it was my Song - The potters Hand. I guess it was just one of those nights, where God really talks to you, and you just feel his call again, that reassuring presence, it was lovely.
So thanks to Kelston for starting up the Vocational Fellowship group, for always being there, and for being so sweet, and just looking after me.

I really do have thee most amazing people around me! I love them all heaps!

little things

2007-10-02T05:14:00.000-07:00

Little things are starting to happen with the prospect of me going to Training college in three years. Kelston seems to think there's no problem and that if i feel that's what God is saying, then we need to start doing something about it.
It wasn't until this sunday just past, that i started doing something about it myself.

After Driven on sunday night, I was helping Matthew and Kelston tidy up, and i had a wee chat with Matthew. Chats about going to their house to talk things through, how i'm feeling, what needs to happen sort of thing. He also said that when Driven lead the meeting in November, it would be a good time for me to give an update on the whole Officership stuff.
And with some encouragement, i'm now talking about prayer request boxes & praise request boxes that driven use every sunday night in both of the meetings on sunday.

I was on the bus home from aberdeen yesterday and, i was just sitting there smiling. Thinking about what God has got planned and how much i'm looking forward to it, and how scary it is, but more than anything, i'm happy.

the whispers in my heart againt your kindess

2007-09-27T05:23:00.000-07:00

It's been such a long time since i've updated this thing, i honestly don't know where to start.

I'm back at college, started back about a month ago now, and i'm loving it. It's so much fun, and filled with lots of laughter and smiley faces. It's good to get the chance to just talk about ways that are effective in teaching, nice to think that when you arrive in college for a three hour theory session it's not all theory, and there are some games sloted in it (obviosuly we're trying them out for our pupils, aye!) It's just good, a really good course, better than i thought it was going to be anyways.

Life outside college is lovely too.

I had a chat in the office with the Debbie and Anna a few sundays ago, trying to work out what was going to happen with singing group, and if i was getting them back, then what time and what night of the week it was going to be. W e sorted that out, so singing group is now on a Thursday night at 7pm, which hasn't really been that well attented, but the reasons they've not been there are good ones. Hopefully as we get into it a bit more, they'll come more. But i have them back so that's all good, and i'm loving having them.

I went to the last Vocational Fellowship last month, and it was really good. It was at Jane and David's house (My old Officers) and it was just nice to hear their story. Stories of what they did before becoming an officer, how they got there, and their experiences at the 3 appointments they have had since leaving college.
I'm really enjoying this Vocational Fellowship, I'm so glad kelston started it up, it's good to have the group there, to just chat about things, and now that there's more of us thinking officership is for us, it gives us time to chat to each other about our worries, thoughts, concerns etc.

Last sunday was my first time leading the singing group in years, and i was worrying int he afternoon. W e were singing without music, and i just got myself all worked up, about leading and when do i bring them in after the first time, and then, i recieved a text, from Kelston. A text simply saying "Good luck with leading the singing group tonight, hope all goes well. God Bless. Kel" and that encouraged me. Then i got to the hall, and walked in to see Kelston & Cindy there. I awent over to ask Cindy if she wanted to sing with us and she leaned over, gave me a hug and whispered to me and Hazel, "Kelston found out Samantha was leading the singing group tonight, so he wanted to come and support her", and handed me a card. Which was cute, and had a wee card inside it with a prayer verse on it. This man, is so sweet, and has made me smile lots recently.
He also got me into going out collecting on monday night...by using the line "You'll get asked about it in your Candadate's interview" haha.
It was good though, i'm glad i went out.

And that, is my life so far.

2007-06-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

College is officially over for the year. I had my cornet exam yesterday, and i think it went okay.

It was an experience anyway. The examiner stood behind me for one of my pieces and totally put me off, then he decided he's going to ask questions about the terms in my pieces, expect he wasn't happy i had written what certain things meant on one of my pieces, oops!

Apart from that itr went okay, quite pleased with it :)

Oh, and Alister made us cake for after our exams, was well ace and we had a lovely chat since we were all in at like 9 till 4, was a lovely day.

Tuesday we had5 hours of recitals, which was ace. Although some of us, were getting a wee bit emotional cos some are leaving for Uni and the rest of us are staying at college, and Alister performed the song he composed for those going to Uni called "farewell". I heard a what John said about my recital, he told Madeleine that he was shocked i sung, because i hardly talk, haha, ace!

Was two lovely days, and a good way to the end of term.

Holidays are here, which means extra hours, late lies and adventures, prestwick kids club, reach out, new officers
:)

2007-06-15T05:58:00.000-07:00

Tagged.

Tagged by Laura-Lou. Thank you :p

Grab the book closest to you. Turn to page 161. Print the 5th complete sentence on your blog. Tag 5 others.

Closest Book to me was Echo By Francesca Lia Block

"Aren't you worried about him?"

I tag Laura Logan!

2007-05-18T02:53:00.000-07:00

Book Tagging. Laura caught me..

How many books do you own?

Not that much, i wasn't much of a reader when i was younger, totally hated it. But since like 5th year, anbout 3 years ago, Laura got me back into reading.

There however, is, a lot of books on my bookshelf, but i think most of them are the broons or oor willie, haha!

What was the last book you read?

The last book i read was Velvet Elvis, which i think was totally amazing. Might go out and get my own copy :)

What book are you presently reading?

I am reading Seasons 'a womens call to ministry' by Johann Shade. She's a salvation Army In the USA. I only started reading it today, but so far its really good. Its about how women serving in the salvation army ministry face distinctive challenges throughout the changing 'seasons' of their lives as their personal and family circumstances intertwine with their work as officers. The book explorers these issues and provides theological and practical support through biblical character studies and wisdom gleaned from the author's nearly thirty years of officership.

5 books that mean a lot to me are...

1. Girl Goddess #9 By Francesca Lia Block. Because, i think it was the Book laura gave me that got me reading again, and she let me share two of those stories with her.

2. Echo By Francesca Lia Block. Some parts of it make me think of my dad!

3. The Bible :)

4. A walk to remember - Nicholas Sparks....it's a beautiful story! Films good too :)

5. P.S i love you - Cecila Ahern. Really goood book. Might read it again after i've finished reading seasons!

seasons

2007-05-18T02:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like i've been up for hours. I was in town for 8ish this morning, and went to symposiums for my usual coffee, before i got the half 8 bus to college.
I was reading the book my sister and brother in law got me for my birthday, and it is actually quite good, well the few pages i have read so far. It's called seasons, 'a womens call to ministry"..it's about being a officer in the salvation army, and different things that challenge you day to day, certain things that you battle with when the call comes around.
The one line that stuck in my head though is, "you have to be prepared to bleed"

This book looks like it may be very helpful in my journey, and with my call to officership, whenever i end up at training college.

2007-03-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

"there are hundreds of children
thousands, millions,
And yet their names are written
on God's memory,
There are hundreds and thousands
millions of children,
But God knows everyone and
God knows me"

These lyrics take me back to my days at sunday school
They made me smile
<3

2007-03-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

God,
Please bless me with
- Love
- Peace
- Patience
- Kindness
- Goodness
- Faithfulness
- Gentleness
- Self-Control

Live in me, so that i may be the person who made me to be.
No longer I, but Christ that lives in me.
Not my will, but yours.

Amen
xox

"I dare to be different
I dare to believe
I dare to be different
God's spirit recieve
I dare to be different
my life satisy
I dare to be different
by living
by Christ"

:)
xox

2007-03-06T12:36:00.000-08:00

This post is especially for Laura, as she is outraged at my lack of blogging so here goes.

Anyways, what shall Sam ramble about today...Ah college!

College was a really good laugh today. Sophia and I were singing along to Madeleine who was playing the piano. Then they all started talking Uni auditions - the all got theirs on the 15th of this month. Good Luck :)

We had a three hour break today - so Sophia, Kerry and i went to the library to research Schoenberg, and start putting our presentation together. It was a nice laugh, even when Sophia pulled my ear plug out my ear when i said i had Jack Johnson on my MP3 Player haha!

It's been a really fun day. Don't really know what else to say lol.

I have peppermint tea - it really tastes horrid lol.

I'm trying to come up with some ideas for my composition, but it isn't working and i still only have an introduction to 'Sunset'. It's a cornet and Piano piece. Ballad style of a piece. I would love to write lyrics to it, but then i'd have to write a voice part and i never come up with good words to put to anything.

And i just got a phonecall. A lovely phonecall from a guy from church! He was saying that thomas will be in the band tomorrow night - yaaaaaaay answered prayers. And that i can still teach him at band learners. He's happy with my progress in music and he says hopefully he'll have someone else for me to teach by winter.
"Another star on your crown" - Arthur :)

Flamenco!

2007-02-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

Flamenco - It's a Spanish gypsy style dance. Try and picture ladies dancing with the big dresses and tapping their feet *does an impression of Paul's dancing*
The first note in each bar has to be accented
The Style of 'Flamenco Dancing' is portrayed by the 6/8 time signature .
The speed has to stay the same all the way through, even at the quiet parts.
Play it with a picture of the ladies dancing in your head
Before you play the piece remind yourself of the rhythm, the speed in which your going to play it at and take a few moments out to calm down.
When you are ready play the piece.
Remember to breath using your diaphragm
Remember performance directions
Remember not every note has to be perfect
Remember this audition is to show them what Samantha Louise Davies, can do, not what she can come up with the night before, so guess what, sam? If you don't know anything about Allen Vizzutti, its ok, because everything is going to be okay, It's all in control, If I'm meant to be at Uni, it'll happen!
They'll either love me, or hate me!
Their choice!

2007-02-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't talked to anybody about the whole officership thing, then Sunday happens. Cindy and Kelston came here for their lunch because they were leading both our meetings. I had Cindy in my room saying 'It's really good to hear about you thinking about officership', Kelston just talked about it non-stop at the table, and deep down all i kept thinking was "please can i go practice, i wanna go play the cornet"....totally numb to the whole idea, and can't find a single thing inside of me that lights up to the idea.
Then today - i sit in college, listening to my tutor go on and on about the teaching Diploma course - now that appeals to me, thats why I'm away to fill out my application form after this. Maybe my mum is right - maybe University isn't for me, but I'll never know unless i give it a shot.
My audition is on Thursday, and i've kind of moved from the nervousness to the "i don't know what to think", I'll try my best to get in of course, but at the same time, I'm thinking that maybe i will just stay on at college.
Who knows!

i wont keep it inside, freak out, let it go...

2007-02-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

Today has been a fun filled, bongo hitting, piano banging , Cymbal Bashing, Maraca Shaking.

Just a little glimpse inside of 20th Century music and the things we get up to on a friday afternoon.But, no, the point of this entry is that, in 20th century music, we listen to obviosuly music from the 20th century and how composers use any musical sound they could get and make music, and how they do this and of course, trying it out for ourself.
Today, Tony played us a piece by Byrars called 'Jesus blood hasn't failed me yet'...He was asked to compose a piece for a documentary about 'Life in pubs'. so he went round the pubs recording the sounds, and then he came to this one pub, and there was a tramp sitting in the corner completley sober, singing 'Jesus blood hasn't failed me yet'. He got back to the studio and played it on repeat to see if he could use this, byars left the room and when he came back he noticed something - The people who were working had all became more quiet and stoped hurrying around - there was even some people crying in the corners.
Some peoples comments in my class when Tony told them this was like..."why, does it say 'i'm gonna kill you?'...no, it was just that the music had a kind of emotion to it that you think, and relax.
The piece was then played - There was silence (Not very often in my class)
There was one comment from the floor, which was..
"I thought it was really powerful!"
I glanced around the room -and found nearly everyone with their heads down!
And for some reason that touched me today and i just wanted to share, so sorry if all that music talk has bored ya!

The other thing being is that, I took in my University letter today, as i was asked to yesterday, well when Fiona came in today i gave her the sheet, everything was ok, until sh saw 'your piece must be 5 minutes long'...yeah! So after that fiona was trying to learn a new piece so she has to do movements from a few pieces, and yeah, mines aint even 5!

it's all coming together!

2007-02-22T03:53:00.000-08:00

It's all coming together now - this time next week i shall be at Aberdeen University (hopefully with the other college guys)and we will shortly be getting a welcome from the Programme Directors.

I ran down the stairs to make a cup of coffee, and saw the mil, thinking please let there be mail from the Uni, and there was, and my audition is next Thursday. They always give you short notice though. But yeah i can handle that!

This is the next step. Get into University. Everything else will fall into place from then on!

Since i opened the letter and saw the words 'we would like to invite you to attend an interview....' i started pannick, Because i know deep down i aint ready, i know that none of my pieces are ready. I started worrying and thought 'i'll bebo Fio', don't know how she can help me, but she knows about the whole changing of pieces and how hard it's gonna be learning new pieces for a prelim on Tuesday, an assessment on Tuesday, and a audition on Thursday, but i can do it, with Gods help, i CAN do it. I just need to stop worrying so much, and do practice.

Guess i aint staying in Aberdeen till late tonight!

2007-02-22T02:03:00.000-08:00

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
This life is like a game sometimes

Then you came around me
The walls just dissapeared
Nothing to surround me
Keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up(oh)
You've made me trust

{chorus}
Coz I've never felt like this before
I'm naked around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked around you
And it feels so right

I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself
And let the covers fall away
Guess I never had someone like you
To help me fit in my skin

{chorus}

I'm naked around you
Does it show
I'm naked around you

I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through baby
- Avril Lavigne

2007-02-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

I've just been chating to a college friend on bebo, and she hardly knows me, i hardly know her, but we talk a lot on myspace/bebo, because i'm a shy little nugget, and find it easier on the internet. Bt tonight, i've mailed her on bebo and told her i was sorry for being shy and that i really wanted to say something to her after paul freaked at her today, and her reply was i shall not tell you to bogg off, you aint a plonker, people can't help being shy, and she keeps sending me *hugs*, and for some reason, she has just topped off my day! Fio's amazing :)

happy days

2007-02-20T12:51:00.000-08:00

Today has been fun.
Which was good because i just needed smiles and laughter and to be around loud music - especially Keith, haha, he was singing and playing the drums and you could hear him down the other end of the corridor so there was me and kerry standing in the corridor laughing so hard.
Theory was good this afternoon - I'm finally coming out of my box , it' s took me a while but hey. I was getting laughed at today for being from Peterhead, long story, but Madeleine and Sophia were slagging Fio off for her 'scottish' accent not that she comes from sotland, No! But apparently she said 'fit' instead of 'wit' so yeah, and i screamed 'fit?' and sophia just said 'so, you're from peterhead!'.....haha, you had to be there really!

All in all, I've had a really good day. Been out to McDonalds with Katie for tea and had a laugh with her, and went driving round town with the music blaring, hehe, it's fun!

I'm in a very musical mood, so i guess i'll be doing some theory work later!

And yeah, random update, but I've had thee best day :)

2007-02-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

College was so boring today. Pointless ad Boring.

Today i've had Keyboards skills - which was productive, should be doing my 3rd assessment in two weeks time. Theory - i really don't see the point in two hours straight of theory - no one ever listens, and f they do it's for the first half hour, and they all get bored, and i can't blame them. Paul just talks about, modulation for example as he did today, for nearly two hours....took a few notes, and then started drawing little pictures. Then i had my lesson with Paul, which he told me i was playing half heartedly :( he's probably right now, so yeah! The fact is though, i have my prelim next week, and i've got two new pieces to learn. I got annoyed today - paul came in late, i had a class at 1, and he spends half the half hour doing warm ups so i didn't even get any further on my pieces. Again, not all his fault though.Then composition and arranging - hats always an interesting class and i really look forward to it, hehe. It sucked today though - don't really know why, but there's only usually half the class there because we are in groups, but nearly the whole class was there the whole class was there today and i got left with Fio.....now that was an interesting conversation. Not! We hardly talk and i hate it - I'm too shy to talk to her. I feel like a school kid again haha!

I am not a stranger to mercy, for you found me,
Wrapped your truth around me.
I am not a stranger to grace
I have seen it in Your face.
I am not a stranger to kindness;
We´re the broken with Your life inside us
You have brought Your gospel to me,
And I breathe it every day.

How did I become Your miracle?
Now to take Your truth and tell the world

I´m going to take it to the streets,
I´m going to sing it ´til we meet.
Heaven is open,
Come on all the earth rejoice.
I´m going to take it to the streets,
Wake up the dead heart from its sleep.
Heaven is open,
Now´s the time to raise our voice.

I will tell the world of this mercy, for You found me,
Wrapped Your truth around me.
I will tell the world of this grace
I have seen it at Your cross.
I will tell the world of this kindness
We´re the broken with Your life inside us.
You have brought Your gospel to me;
Help me live it every day.

How did we become Your miracles?
Now to take Your truth and tell the world.

2007-02-18T14:55:00.000-08:00

Tonight hasn't been a good one, with tears falling everywhere, evil looks from the bandmaster for playing wrong notes, but besides all that, i got loads of hugs from Rachael, but now i feel bad, because she's gone back to Aberdeen and was all worried, so i text her say that I'm ok and thank you for being there for me tonight. I miss her heaps.

Something happened tonight, something that i can't explain...We were singing 'I wanna be out of my deapth in your love', and all i could do was huddle up and cry, which kinda ended up in mum, hazel, Rahael, Chloe and megan all looking at me, i made my mum cry :( something inside me just was triggered off and i cried.

The bible reading tonight, was from Romans 8 31-39....and verse 37 in my bible is highlighte - 'No, in all these thing we are more than conquerors through him who loved us'

Think i'm going to off to sleepsleepies soon. I need to rest.

random.com

2007-02-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

my hand is cold and wont stop shaking
my whole body is shaking

In response to last nights driven, having 'silence' to just sit and talk to God, let him talk to you, well i thought, yeah i can do that, but no i can't...i woke up this morning, and put my music on really loud, trying to block everything out sub conciously, not even realising what i was doing. Until i got to work and there must have been s many times when it's been quiet today that the only thing that was in my head was officership, and i couldn't say anything to anybody all day hardly. I did my usual "hahahaha" reaction to everyone :(

Catherine was talking to me last night - saying that maybe God wants me to take up a commitment in the corps first, before he even thinks to send me off to training college. And i agree with her. The commitments that were brought to my mind was - The singing Group, Teaching Thomas the Cornet and Commiting myself to just be at every songster practice to make sure that my Godmothers ok (she's really important to me).

All in all, Catherine helped me so much last night.

I'm still finding t hard to talk to mum though. I came home last night and she just asked 'How'd it go with Catherine', and i said okay, and told her i was just going to pray about it. She asked all these questions i count handle answering, i felt like crying - the stupid thing there is, she's been through officership before and i know she only wants to help me through it. I just can't seem to talk to her :( it makes me sad

2007-02-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

Everyday they pass me by,
I can see it in their eye;
Empty people filled with care,
Headed who knows where.
On they go through private pain,
Living fear to fear;
Laughter hides the silent cries Only Jesus hears.

People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;
At the end of broken dreams,
He's the open door.
People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;

When will we realize People need the Lord.
We are called to take His light
To a world where wrong is right;
What could be too great a cost
For sharing life with one who's lost?
Through His love our hearts can feel
All the grief they bear;
They must hear the
Words of Life Only we can share.

People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;
At the end of broken dreams,
He's the open door.
People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;

When will we realize
That we must give our lives,
For people need the Lord.
People need the Lord.

2007-02-15T13:24:00.000-08:00

'You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love' - Galations 5 : 13

I just opened my bible and came across this reading, maybe i stumbled across it for a reason, maybe it's God telling me that his call for me is in officership. I don't know!

Tonight i have been talking to Gemma on MSN, felt bad totally bonbarding her with all my thoughts and feelings and confusion about officership, but i needed to tell her, i needed her thoughts and vies and they kinda turned a few things around for me.

I told her Music is my thing, not leading people to the Lord i'm not capable of that. Then she reminded me of one of my friends, and how i brought her to the army and all that. Maybe i can do this, but with Gods help of course.

Theres still this big part of me that is trying to find anyway possible to run anyway from it. But someone has said latley, that God doesn't stop that easily and he'll just come back with it later, so whats the point. There is none.

'No guilt in life, no fear in death—This is the pow'r of Christ in me;From life's first cry to final breath,Jesus commands my destiny.No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,Can ever pluck me from His hand;Till He returns or calls me home—Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.'

officership?

2007-02-14T16:28:00.000-08:00

I'm trying me hardest to remember what that feeling was like when i felt the feeling of god calling me to officership, but i can only remember electrylte playing and everything else was silent and i started to cry, i felt something deep inside, something that was way beyond my understanding. I don't know why God wants me to be an officer.
I keep thinking to myself, and screaming out to God sating "Look God i'm 18, so not ready for being an officer, pick someone else, because i wont do a good job" - then i get reminded of people saying that 'if it's what God wants then it'll be ok' and they're true, i just wish i knew, i just want to know if it's what he wants or not!
I'm scared, still scared, i was all set for being a music therapist and then saturday happens, and bang, thats thrown out the window and officership takes over everything.

The bus journey home that evening was a very quiet one. I was sooo deep in though, and so scared that the tears were running so fast down my face. I needed someone to tell, i needed to share this, my first thought, i'll text Laura, she's my best friend i knew i could tell her, i knew she'd be up for chatting about it with me - then my phone died. If felt like i was meant to be alone with God for a while, just to work things through with him, but i think the fact i couldn't tell anyone drove me mad. I couldn't even tell andrew cos there was 13 young people in the bus and i just felt alone.

but now, Laura, Andrew, Catherine, Kelston and Mum all know, so i have got pople who can talk to me about things so i guess thats good.

Although i think i'm meant to be talking with Catherine tomorrow and i don't know what to say to her :/

2006-11-30T01:39:00.000-08:00

wow, i never realised how long it has been since i updated my blog, oops!

anyways, i don't really have much to say today, so sorry if this is one big ramble about so much rubbish.
First of all, college. Well, it's going ok, i'm getting on with everyone in the class so that's a good thing. Especially on tuesday mornings when you enter the coffee house and sit with John and Ewan, it's ace. John is a laugh, i don't have a clue what we were talking about, but all i remember is john saying..."orange cicles after the key signature, and a purpule triangle to show the key modulation"....turning out to hear in keyboard skills that the circle was sort of right, that why there's a hlaf cicrle with a line through it showing 4/4....totally random but hey, was a laugh.
I wish John wasn't able to lip read lol...Tony (our keyboard skills tutor) asked if there where any problems about the course, tell john and he'll pass them on to me, what did sam do? said "paul" oops, john was like "yeah sam i'll pass it on"...it's annoying though, one day we have rules for harmonising a piece os music, the next day we get told ignore the rules..i wish tara still taught us!

I get my educating your ears assessment back tomorrow, and i really hope i've passed, i don't want to have to sit it all over again.

I connected with Paul yesterday. I had my cornet lesson yesterday, and i wasn't really about the cornet, wasn't about the music, it was all about me...and in a way i was scared yesterday....to have someone blankey tell you "stop holding back" when you never realised you were holdung back....someone to tell you "let your personality come through", when you have no clue how to, someone tell you "i don't care if you play every note wrong", "you need to make more noise"...then think 'No, I'm shy, i can't'. We were getting ready to play little exercises and he said..."write we'll take this a bit faster then before"....i don't know what sort of face i made, but pual read it correctly, and he said "see now you have put those negative feelings in your head...you have already said, no i aint going to play it faster paul"....i don't get it, why am i so relluctant to let everything inside me go and just play to the best of my ability? Why do i have to be so shy? I have to perform next tuesday, and i'm dreading it, i don't want to be standing up ther will paul saying...."what you going to play?" "how are you going to do this?" but in a way, i can't wait till tuesday, whether thats to get it over and done with, or because i know deep down that i can do it, if i just relax, and let everything inside my head go, no negagtive feelings, all positive. I'll let you know how it goes though.

i don't think there's anything else to update on....*thinks* - ouch that hurt :p

nope that's all for now!

My Grandad

2006-09-20T04:34:00.000-07:00

I aint updated here in ages, so i thought i'd do it now.

Basically my grandad was diagnosed with cancer in his liver in July, and from then on he was ok, a few bad days but nothing major, he got his first set of kemo a few weeks back and it hit him really bad. I never thought that it would be so soon. So soon that he was going to leave us. My mum told me last night that his cancer's in it's final stages and that he doen't have long :(
They could give him a bllod transfusion but if his heart goes, they wont resusitate him as the cancer is affecting all his other organs. It's in God's hands anyway, whatever happens, he's in God's hands.
I'm going to see him tonight, i'll let you know how it goes.

no longer i...

2006-08-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

this last week was music school, and i decided i wasn't going this year, i don't even know why, it'd been ok if i already had a job when i had made that decision but no, samantha goes and says "no!".
I feel like a muppet now though, i wish i had went. And before you say it, i know, it's my own stupid darn fault. I just wished i hadn't thought so much about going and sent away the application form.
I love music school, it's an amazing week, and i needed that this year more than ever, but yeah. I guess you get the point that i wish i had gone and that i'm stupid.
So yeah. I'm going next year! argh, how stupid could i get?!

I grandad starts kemo in like 2 weeks. We found out he had a tomour in his liver a few weeks back, and found out 2 weeks ago that it was actually cancerous. It has really hut him really hard. When i went to see him when i found out, he was crying ( that being the first time i've seen my own gradad cry). I felt so bad for him. I kept blaming myself, i don't have a clue how it could have actually been my fault. When i saw my grandad that night, one of the first things he said was "but i have to be here for your wedding". My sister's getting married 13 weeks today. He will be here though, God will take care of him, and kemo is going to help him through it all.

trying to find her way in a mixed up messed up world

2006-06-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

i did it agian, totally messed up everything, Where did all that strength go? all that courage and motivation to go to see daddy again, why has it all dissapered? i wanna see my daddy again, i really too, i miss him like crazy, but suddenly he went out my mimd and i felt lost, lost because the one thing i wanted - i couldn't have, and the only person i wanted to hug- has been dead for 12 nearly 13 years :( I miss him, why does life have to syuck so much? or why did that have to happen to me?

2006-05-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

i have no clue what im saying in thisupdate, i just felt the need to update and say something so here goes. Sorry for those who read this bunch of stupid crapiest words ever.
Church this morning felt weird and i felt like i had no right to be there, until i new that God was still with me and that i knew i had my head sorted out. The songsters sang a song called 'if you call me lord" and i could feel all the congregation's eyes on me, most inparticular would have to be leanne's (our officer) dad.
When i went home last night, and sat down to look at sunday school for today it was all about living right for God and everything, something came jumping out to me, that everything would be ok in it''s own way. Everyone go's off the rails and god's path sometime in life don't they? they get forgiven don't they? and then they get to go to heaven and all that...my biggest worry and upset right noww is that i wont see my daddy ever again.
Please God forgive me, i know what i have done is wrong and i know i will never do it again, i want to follow your plan for my life, i want to live for you, i want to serve you, not myself and not others, YOU, the one and only God, and master of my life.

3days left of school!

2006-05-08T06:38:00.000-07:00

Its quite sad that in 3 days I will have finished my school days for ever, that is until I reach my dream and become a teacher. But yeah, school, this year has probably sucked where marks and results have been concerned, but I would not go back and change this year for the world. I have made some great new friends, and people who I already knew in earlier school years have talked to me a lot more. I have had a blast and loved ever minute of the whole experience of being a prefect has been awesome. However, there have been times where I wondered should I still be here? And oh no, what am I going to do! These times were when my best mate left school back in November – I was doing well that day, it was for the best, she had all her grades that she needed and stuff, but after she handed back her locker key and after giving her a hug, I went to RE and cried, although I tried my bets to hide my tears. For a while when she left I always though “she’s going to walk through the t-bar doors now” but as you probably already know, she never did walk through those doors, and times were I felt alone, but in the end I wasn’t alone and I knew that I had other friends at school to hang around with, and the time in which I would get to spend with my best mate would be special. There were other times when my friends at school would start arguments, which really upset me. I love all my friends to bits. So more importantly there is the education side of school, where I dropped one class at the start of term this year (RE), everything was going fine according to me, I knew I could do it, I think deep down I was kidding myself because two weeks ago I was kicked out on English but it was however a two way decision between me and my teacher, now I only have Biology (which im failing too) and Music which I am actually passing, yeeeeeheeeeee.
I don’t want to leave school. Our head teacher led an assembly about ‘ The Exams’ and handed out the sixth years their certificates for peer support which they have been involved in all year round. I got mine for Home economics and P.S.E (social education). It was sort of an emotional day, and I dread to think what Thursday I going to be like.
I guess through God I can anything – “I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength’.
All I can say now, is Rock on Thursday then hurry up to the 16th of may for my 18th Birthday and then the 23rd may when I finally leave school. Let’s hope I get into college, because I am so not sitting around on my backside every day doing nothing!
Thanks for reading guys!

im new, and boring too!

2006-05-05T06:12:00.000-07:00

this is just a quick post just to say hi, and that im new here lol! So, yeah hi people :)